


The Lesser of Two Evils

by HeavyMetalMothman



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: All will be revealed in due time, Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Masturbation, Murder, Or Is he?, Ornithophobia, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Psychological Horror, Threats of Violence, Visual Hallucinations, aggressive behavior, fear and conflict, graphic descriptions of violence and murder, i'm not quite sure what to call this au but i suppose it fits in the psychology au tag, kiddnapping, questionable medical practices, ryan is schizophrenic, shane is a psychologist, straight up murder, tags will be updated as I upload chapters, unexplained phenomenon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-03-27 18:52:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13887018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeavyMetalMothman/pseuds/HeavyMetalMothman
Summary: Shane was unsure of what he was getting into, he told himself this was no different from the rest of his cases. But there was something he couldn’t shrug about this one. A few too many stones were left unturned.The thing that made this case interesting was the strange occurrences people could not explain. Many claimed Ryan was possessed by a demon, or that he possessed abnormal abilities, frivolous and ridiculous claims on their part.But a dead doctor was a new turn of events, and Shane couldn’t keep his skeptical nose out it any longer. It was like it haunted him, begging him to dig deeper.We’re not that different, you and I





	1. I'm not calling you a liar, just don't lie to me

Shane was unsure of what he was getting into, he told himself this was no different from the rest of his cases. But there was something he couldn’t shrug about this one. A few too many stones were left unturned.

 

Though quite young for an established psychologist, Shane was very motivated in his field, a specialist in schizophrenia.

 

The thing that made this case interesting was the strange occurrences people could not explain. Many claimed his new patient was possessed by a demon, or that he possessed abnormal abilities, frivolous and ridiculous claims on their part.

 

He stared at the partial file in his lap in his cab. Five psychologists in three years, and this person had gone through all of them. He’d had frustrating patients before, but this was absurd. Four had quit, and the most recent took his own life very suddenly and unexpectedly.

 

Sara had pressured him to take the case. He was reluctant at first, but after a while the case would come back around, and Shane would look at it and then move onto the another. She said would be good for him to try something different, even if it did seem ridiculous. A dead doctor was a new turn of events, and Shane couldn’t keep his skeptical nose out it any longer. It was like it haunted him, begging him to dig deeper.

 

So help him god, he would find answers to the riddles others failed to solve.

 

The facility was in the middle of the desert, very out of the way of civilization, but it was for the best. It housed some very dangerous, ill people. At least they were cared for here, where they couldn’t harm others and others couldn’t harm them.

 

His belongings were thoroughly looked through, he himself was was searched, and was granted entry when they deemed him not to be a threat of any kind. His security clearance was granted, he strode down the white halls of the facility with his new I.D. around his neck, following a security guard.

 

Nothing seemed too out of place, he passed a few people, patients and nurses, occasional doctors, nothing out of the norm. He thought he was simply going to his patient's room, but the guard led him to a door equipped with a keypad and electronic lock.

 

The buzzer sounded as the guard opened the door and motioned for Shane to follow.

 

“So you’re the new doctor they hired?” The guard casually strolled along. Shane looked up at the cameras they pass. There are is an occasional door here and there, all with electronic locks. It seemed a lot like a solitary confinement, which made Shane worry for his new patient. It’s possible his state had become worse if he were kept alone like this.

 

“I sort of volunteered. The case kept popping back up and I thought I’d look into it.” The guard leads him around a corner and up to a second door. “This seems like overkill to me, all these security measures.”

 

“You try keeping a lunatic like him locked up, and then tell me this is overkill.”

 

It irritates Shane that a the guard would so loosely throw around the word ‘lunatic’ like that. He quickly swallows his ire and glances through the security glass on the door.

 

The room looked like an observation room. The wall between him and the patient was made entirely of three glass panels, one of them with a locked glass door. There was a yellow and black line labeled ‘keep back’. He couldn’t see much of the cell itself, but he could see a figure dressed in white, sitting on the floor.

 

“This is a ridiculous waste of resources and money, there is absolutely no reason to keep someone in a glass cage like that.” Anger bubbles to Shanes surface. This had to be a violation of patient and human rights.

 

“Did you read his entire file?” The guard looked amused.

 

Shane stepped back and pulled the folder out of his bag along with a notepad and a pen. “I read what I was sent, but I haven’t seen his full case file yet.”

 

“Well then I guess you’ll figure it out, then.”

 

Shane glanced back through the glass once more, he still hadn’t moved. “What’s he doing?”

 

“Nothing. He’s been sitting like that for hours. He hasn’t said a word in days.” The guard entered another key code, listening for the buzzing noise. He opened the door but stopped Shane before letting him enter. “You’re only allowed in for thirty minutes today. Do not cross the black and yellow line.”

 

“What’s he gonna do, break the glass?” Shane replied rather sarcastically.

 

“He might. He’s cracked it before.” The guard smiled and held the door open for him. Shane spared him a wary glance before entering the room.

 

It’s cold and unwelcoming. The concrete walls only contribute to the gloominess, giving the room a grey-white light. He looks at the person in front of him, behind the glass. There’s a large pile of books next to the door, Shane assumes they’re his.

 

He’s wearing a white tunic, white capris and what look like white flats. It’s different from what the other patients are wearing.

 

He still hasn’t moved, he knows he heard him come in. The buzzer was impossible to ignore. Shane pulls the lone chair in the room just barely up to the line and sits down, opens his file and balances his notes on his thigh.

 

"Hello. I'm Dr. Shane Made-"

 

"I know who you are." His voice sounds bored, and apathetic, distorted with fuzz by the built in microphone imbedded somewhere on the otherside of the cell. He lifted his head to speak, but he still hadn’t turned around. Shane expected him to be apprehensive at first, but he didn’t seem to care at all, like Shane was only a bothersome nadfly.

 

"You do now? That's good." The patient before him doesn't respond. "Why don’t you tell me about yourself."

 

"Don't need to, you read my file."

 

Shane furrows his brows. He knows he's being difficult on purpose. "Yes, I did. Not all of it, because there was only so much they would send me. There's a lot of things about it that I don't understand. That's why I'm here. But I want _you_ to tell me about yourself. It helps me understand you better. You know yourself better than anybody else."

 

The patient chuckles and shakes his head. "I want my other doctor. Where is he?"

 

Shane frowned. Was he messing with him or did the clinic never inform him?

 

"He’s dead... He committed suicide. That's why I'm here. Did the facility not tell you?"

 

The patient bursts out laughing, throwing his head back. It’s the kind of laugh that would have been full of infectious glee and myrth without the given circumstances. He stands up and turns around, his face is full of childlike glee.

 

"Did he really?? It took him long enough! I knew he was weak the minute he walked into the room! Oh... He was a pathetic man. He didn’t deserve to last long." His voice grows cold with that last sentence, his face turning stony.

 

Shane finds him to be an attractive looking person, feeling somewhat sorry that he’s stuck in this facility. But it’s his own fault he’s in here in the first place, a fact that Shane cannot deny.

 

Shane watches him as he looks him up and down, pacing back and forth slowly in front of the glass. "Mmmmh, you're quite handsome. I like you. I like you a lot."

 

"We'll see about that won't we? We've only just met."

 

The patient chuckles quietly and shakes his head. "Oh, I know I do. I guess... since you want to know so badly, I suppose I'll tell you about myself. My name is Ryan Bergara. I'm 27 and I'm from LA. I killed five people and nearly got away with it, but now I’m here inside this facility. Every doctor I've had says I'm schizophrenic, but I'm really just class A clinically insane, _baby_." He emphasizes the last word, looking at Shane with smoldering eyes. They’re dark like obsidian, volcanic glass to match his reactive personality.

 

Shane smiled to himself. There, that was progress. Ryan, it seemed, was very egotistical, he seemed to be trying to pull a rise out of Shane.

 

"See now, that wasn't so bad. Why do you think you don’t have schizophrenia?"

 

Ryan stopped pacing to stare at Shane through the glass. He had a sly smile on his face. "I don't think it, I know it."

 

"Well, why do you 'know it'?"

 

"That's a great question for me to answer another day, Shane." Shane pursed his lips. He was really going to have to work hard. Ryan was indeed being difficult on purpose, and while patients where usually apprehensive at first, this was the first time Shane felt like he was being played with. This seemed like it was a game to Ryan, and Shane was not there to play games.

 

"Please call me Dr. Madej."

 

"Thanks, but I think I won't. Shane is _soooo_ much better. Dr. Madej just sounds like you have a fragile masculinity and you need something to puff up your ego. That's probably why your girlfriend hates you and is going to leave you."

 

Shane's eyes narrow. "It's not nice to say things like that to people. What do you even know about me and my personal life? I don’t appreciate you saying things like that."

 

Ryan throws his head back and groans, walking over to his bed and flopping on it in the most dramatic fashion.

 

"Don't lie to me Shane, if you lie to me, then I'll lie to you and it'll just make this whole process longer." _So you are playing games..._ As cryptic as Ryan hoped to seem, his actions and choice of words were just as readable as if he were cooperating.

 

"But you lied to me just now, you said my girlfriend was going to break up with me. You don't even know if I have a girlfriend or not. You know nothing about me, so lets stop playing games." Shane rubbed his eyes under his glasses. This truly was a very compelling patient.

 

Ryan ignored his comment. "Oh, Shane... She's going to break up with you tonight. You're going to be devastated."

 

“You can’t possibly know that, it’s really none of your business in the first place.”

 

Ryan glares at him through the glass. “You’re awfully defensive.”

 

“Because it’s not something that I, as your doctor, should be discussing with you, the patient. Let’s go back to you, Ryan. What kind of things do you like? What kind of things do they let you have?” Shane segways away from the topic, he’s always felt uncomfortable discussing his personal life with patients, but this just added a whole new level of weird.

 

“I like reading.” He points to a book sitting on the floor. “And I like the quiet. I used to like making videos and scripts, stories…” He trailed off staring at the ceiling.

 

“What do you like reading?” Shane can’t see the cover of the book but he’s pretty sure it’s a novel of some sort.

 

“Fiction, mostly. I like science nonfiction as well but I have to be in the mood for it. Otherwise it’s just more noise.”

 

“What do you mean by ‘more noise’?” Shane was hoping to pry into what Ryan might be hearing and if it was progressively becoming a bigger problem.

 

“Maybe I’ll tell you tomorrow when our time isn’t up.” Ryan smirks, but does not look at Shane.

 

“What?”  The buzzer on the door startles Shane, but he turns to see the guard. He’s disappointed, he thought he’d have more time than that, maybe they’d grant him an hour now that he’d finally met his patient.

Ryan sits up and looks at the guard waiting for Shane, as though he were trying to melt a hole in him. Shane packs his things up and stands. "I will be back tomorrow. It was nice to finally meet you Ryan."

 

Ryan snorted. "No it wasn’t." He doesn't bother to watch Shane leave, flopping back on his bed.

 

Shane takes a deep breath outside the door. The guard watches him, only slightly concerned.

 

“He likes you a bit.” The guard offered the statement as some sort of reassurance.

 

“He’s… interesting. But he's resistant and arrogant, he's toying with me to eat up the time. He knew when that buzzer was going to go off.”

 

“No offense, but that kid knows a lot of things he shouldn't know. I don't know how he figures it out either. It's creepy.” The guard looks back through the door to see Ryan reading his book, holding it up in the air while he laid on his back on the bed. He bounced his leg up and down off his other knee.

 

“Is there a clock in there?” Shane pulled his notepad out and scribbled some thoughts down. This was going to be a very difficult patient to deal with, he had to do the best he could to get information out of him. Patience would be his one and only virtue for the coming weeks. He might even have to try bargaining with him. 

 

“No, he has no way of knowing how much time has passed. There used to be a clock, but he kept threatening the staff if they didn’t get rid of it. He said the ticking was ‘a fucking vexation unlike any other’. His words, not mine.”

 

“He’s counting the minutes then. He’s a lot smarter than he lets on, I think. I’m ready to leave, but I need to stop and get the rest of his case file.” Shane shoves the notepad back into his bag, and follows the guard back down the hall. In his head he’s running through a list of things he could try to get Ryan to be more cooperative. Perhaps it would just take a while, but as impatient as Shane felt, he might have to take that route.

 

“You can pick that up at the records office, they might not let you leave with it though.” The guard led him out of the first electric door.

 

Shane made his way back to the lobby, after being searched once more, he made his way to records and asked for Ryan’s file. The desk clerk gave him a rather odd look, but after several extensive looks at his identification and one very nervous phone call to her supervisor, she finally handed the file over. An entire case, dusty and old.

 

He thanked her profusely, taking the case, promising to return it after going through it extensively.

 

He sat the case next to him in his cab, and stared out the window as they drove past the desert scrubs, and back into the city. Shane was glad he had no other appointments for the day as he carried the case into his apartment and spread out in his office.

 

He got caught up in reading Ryan’s diagnosis papers and didn’t realize how much the time flew by. He turned around when Sara entered his study, happy to see his lovely girlfriend.

 

“Hey there, sweetheart.” He stood up and kissed her on the cheek before sitting back down. “I was just catching up on my new patient. I’d tell you some of the things he said to me but there’s patient confidentiality and all that. It was wild.” He noticed Sara’s smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.

 

“I need to talk to you, Shane.” His smile fell, his heart rate sped up.

 

“Of course, what’s wrong, Sara?” He searched her face, looking for the answer in her expression.

 

“I feel… really bad about this but, I have to say it, otherwise I’m not being fair to you. I feel like we’ve grown apart over time, and we’re just not in sync like we used to be. I think we should break up.”

 

Shane’s heart fell. It felt like there was a lot of pain in his chest, almost like he could feel each snap of his heart strings as his pulse increased. He remembered Ryan’s words from earlier. Like a bullet to the back, that memory was. 

 

 _She's going to break up with you tonight. You're going to be devastated._ This could not be happening, there was no way.

 

“I-I’m sorry?” He stuttered, trying to process. “Did I… Did I do something to hurt you?”

 

“You didn’t ‘do’ anything Shane… it’s just us. We’re not the same anymore.” Shane can see tears in her eyes. She’s hurting now too, but Shane can tell she thinks it’s for the best.

 

“I just… I don’t understand. I thought you were happy.” Shane rubs his eyes under his glasses, trying to hide his own tears. “Christ... what the hell...”

 

“I was… but I’m not anymore. I’m sorry Shane, but I can’t stay with you any longer. I’d be lying to myself and you.”

 

”And how long have you felt like that? How long have I been... living a lie, keeping you tethered here?” Shane asks in exasperation. _She can’t be doing this to me..._

 

“About two months.” She says after a moment of silence, her hands termoring slightly.

 

“Fuck.” Shane is silent for a moment, trying to keep himself together. He finally sighs and looks away. “Then go. I won’t keep you if you’re unhappy.”

 

Shane hoped she wouldn’t turn around and walk out of the house, but she did. He heard the door close, and he fell apart, just like that. He hadn’t cried in a long time but there he was, sitting in his office, crying. Sara was one of his best friends, he didn’t know what he was supposed to do without her.

 

He remembered Ryan’s words once more, they left a bitter taste in his mouth. He felt totally blindsided, and was looking for someone to blame. How could he have known this would happen? It was entirely impossible. He now understood why the others had given up. This would drive any person mad, so to speak. But Shane was not easily defeated.

 

He looked at the case sitting next to his desk and picked it up with urgency. He spread all the contents out on the floor, organising it by category, going through all of them. He stayed up late into the night, looking for answers. They had to be here, amongst the chaos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HO HO guess who's back and more morally grey than ever!
> 
> it me
> 
> so hopefully i can stick to a consistent upload schedule with this one... I really don't like spoiling my fics for people so I'm going to add tags as I go. 
> 
> Also major shout out to Mercury-Skies for feeding me some information for the fic that I otherwise wouldn't have known, u the best *wink wonk*
> 
> Other than that I hope you like this!
> 
> leave a comment and let me know what you think!


	2. Don't know whether this is real or a dream, imagination playing tricks on me

Shane felt like death the next day. He woke up and turned to snuggle up next to Sara, but when his hand fell on the empty side of the bed, he remembered what transpired the night before. His heart fell once more, he just felt heavy, tired, and sad.

 

His morning routine felt empty, he did his best to fix his wildly defiant hair, but there was no one to laugh and help him fix the back of it. He put on a nice shirt and his slacks, along with a blazer, and reached into his pocket when he felt it being weighed down.

 

The small velvet box in his hand taunted him, he didn't dare open it to glance at the precious stone faceted to a white gold band. He put the box as far back into the corner of his nightstand and shut the drawer, hoping he wouldn't see such a reminder again for a long time.

 

Shane stared at the countertop while his coffee grew cold. The buzz in the back of his brain screamed for caffeine but he couldn't take more than a few sips before deciding to pour the rest of it down the drain. He couldn’t force another sip down his throat even if he wanted to.

 

In his study, he gathered up the documents on the floor, placing them carefully back in their box in a neat and organized manner. They held no answers, or maybe the answer just couldn't be put together yet, like a missing piece of puzzle that would eat away at Shane until he either found it or gave up.

 

He refused to abandon this case, he would not be the sixth doctor to leave Ryan to rot.

 

Maybe today would be a better session.

 

The cab ride to the facility was peaceful, but Shane just couldn't get out of his mind. He kept turning the information over and over in his mind, looking for something, anything that made sense.

 

He was looking at a mountain in the distance when a thought finally came to him, something he'd have to do more research on, but it was comforting nonetheless. Ryan was smart, but just exactly how smart was he? Perhaps he was more perceptive than he let on.

 

Shane had to haggle with the guard to let him stay an extra thirty minutes, citing that he couldn't effectively gather what he needed with so little time. The guard was reluctant, but gave in eventually. Shane thanked him profusely and then walked into Ryan's cell.

 

Ryan was sitting in the corner of the room reading one of his books. He didn't even bother to look up when he spoke. "You look positively miserable today."

 

"How did you know my girlfriend was going to break up with me? I don't want to play games, Ryan."

 

Ryan turns the page in his book nonchalantly. "He told me."

 

"He, as in the security guard? A service worker? Is there someone watching me or Sara for some reason?"

 

"No."

 

"Alright, then how did you know?"

 

Ryan looked up at him, irritated. "He told me!"

 

"Who-who is 'he'? I don't understand." He suspected Ryan was toying with him again, he really wasn’t in the mood for it.

 

Ryan snapped his book shut with a sultry flair and stood up. He paused, looking at Shane for a moment. He jumped at the glass, banging it with his fist. "He, Shane!! He told me! He with a Capital 'H'!! He told me!" Ryan pointed up in exasperation, as though someone were watching him. He groaned pushed away from the window, slumping back into the corner he had been sitting in.

 

The guard entered a moment later, shouting at Ryan. “Hey! Stop that!”

 

Ryan looks right him with a smoldering glare. “Your wife is cheating on you. Get out.” 

 

“Thats enough!” Shane puts his hand up, drawing Ryan’s attention back to him. The guard shakes his head and leaves them alone, the door closing slowly behind him with a soft _click._ Shane had to think, pouring over everything he'd read, trying to figure out what he was talking about. _Ryan does not like to refer to the voice by a name, calling it 'he’. He did not reveal his reasoning._ The research notes he'd so carefully looked through escaped him in his moment of frustration. "Him... The unnamed voice you talk to..."  

 

Ryan shakes his head at the notion. "That's silly. I don't talk to him, he talks to me. He keeps me awake all night. He won't shut up. He's talking to me right now." Ryan leafed through the book, looking for his place again.

 

"And yesterday you said that you..." Shane paused to look at his notes. "you said 'the doctors say I'm schizophrenic but I'm just clinically insane'. Do you see a disconnect there, Ryan? You say, you're not schizophrenic, but here you are, listening to frighteningly accurate voice only _you_ can hear in your mind."

 

"Just because you can't hear it doesn't mean it's not there."

 

"I'm not saying it's not there, I'm saying its -- for lack of better phrasing, and I apologise -- all in your head."

 

"Do you wanna know the exact time, date, and location of your death?" Ryan looked up and smiled at him.

 

"No, I do not, please, lets return to the subject we were just discussing."

 

Ryan huffed and rolled his eyes. "Of course I see a disconnect. But your logic is about as air-tight as a cardboard box riddled with holes. You say He isn't there, and that I'm paranoid. But you don't know that he's not there. Maybe he can talk to you too but he doesn't want to. Maybe we all have Him in our head. You'll just never know for sure, Shane."

 

Shane crossed his arms. This was by far the most irritating conversation he'd ever had, and he knew Ryan wasn't going to make any sense at all.

 

“I can prove it to you.”

 

“You can't prove anything, and that's why it bothers you so much.”

 

“How about I schedule you for an fMRI and we'll see who's wrong.”

 

Ryan closed his book and stared at Shane with wide eyes. “You wouldn't dare…” his voice was very low, Shane almost doesn't hear what he said.

 

“What's wrong with an fMRI?”

 

Ryan rubbed his face and shook his head. “I hate them. I can't stand them. It makes everything worse. The god awful noise while it's taking scans, and it sounds like a bird when it's idle. I don't want to… I won't consent and you can't make me.” he mutters under his breath. “I fucking hate birds.”

 

“Why do you hate birds?” Shane looked at Ryan curled up in the corner. If he wasn't mistaken he'd say Ryan was afraid of birds.

 

“Because they're a bad omen! You know what happens if there's a bird in your house? You die!”

 

Shane thought about to the parrot his parents kept when he was a child. It was a sweet, green feathered bird, Shane absolutely loved her. He was heartbroken when she died. “I had a bird when I was a kid and I'm still here. That's very much an old superstition. There's nothing to be afraid of.”

 

“I've seen the consequences unfold before. You might be alive but for how much longer?”

 

Shane thought for a minute. “It's really out of my hands isn't it? I don't get to decide. Unless I'm suicidal, which I'm not, so I have no way of knowing. It's probably better that way.”

 

“I don't want to go in the machine.” Ryan crossed his arms and scowled at the floor.

 

“I understand if you're afraid, I don't like them either. The scans will help me understand what’s going on inside your head.”

 

“I don't want to go in the machine.”

 

Shane set his pen down and scratched his face. It was coarse and rough, he needed a shave. He glanced at the stack of books next to the door and an idea made its way into his mind.

 

“If you'll let me have an fMRI done I’ll get you a new book. Whatever you want, I'll buy it for you. As long as it's appropriate.”

 

Ryan looked up at him. “Any book?”

 

“Any book. Whatever you want. Nothing gross.” Shane smiled. Ryan seemed to be considering it. He looked in all honestly conflicted, like the choice would have a major outcome on his life in some way.

 

“Fine... I'll do it. But I want the book as soon as I’m done being scanned.”

 

“Deal. What book do you want?”

 

Ryan thought for a moment. “The last work of fiction that you read. Don't tell me what it is. I want it to be a surprise.”

 

Shane scanned through Ryan's stack of books to make sure he doesn't already have it, satisfied when he doesn't see the title amongst the others. “Okay. Let's go back to what I asked you earlier, how did you know… about my girlfriend? Was there something about me that told you? I'm just trying to put two and two together. Anything.”

 

“No, he told me.”

 

Shane sighed out loud. They were only working backwards now.

 

"You wanna know what I think?"

 

Ryan shrugged. "I already know what you think, but it'd be entertaining to hear you say it anyway."

 

"I think you are indeed schizophrenic, but you're also a lot smarter than you let on, and you are excellent at making observations. Something about me gave you information, something most people would look over. I don't know what it is, and I don't know if you're even aware that you're doing it. I think you think the voice is telling you these things but it's just observations your brain is spitting back out at you."

 

"If that's what makes you feel better when you're writing your report."

 

"Well I haven't thought of a way to test that theory, but I'm pretty sure that's what's going on."

 

"I just know what he tells me. But think whatever you'd like." Ryan opened his book again and continued to read.

 

"Okay. We'll have something we can work on when I visit."

 

"Whatever lets you sleep at night." Ryan smoothed the page in his book.

 

"Well, regardless of whether I sleep, it still wasn't very nice to say that to me yesterday." Shane looked sympathetically Ryan. “Please, don't say things like that to people anymore, if you can help it.”

 

"I'll spare your fragile brain, but only because you begged me to."

 

"I'm not begging, I'm asking nicely."

 

"That's how you people beg. Then you try to reason."

 

"Seems like a basic patient-doctor relationship to me."

 

Ryan closed his book and pushed it away, laying down on the floor and stared up at the ceiling. "I suppose."

 

Shane shuffled through his papers. "I see that you are on Olanzapine… Are you taking your medication regularly? Do I need to up the dosage?"

 

Ryan rolled forward and hopped up off the ground. He leaned against two steel beams holding the glass between the two in place. He had a dominance about him, making direct eye contact with Shane.

 

"If you ever... Mention my medication again... I will break this glass, and strangle you with my bare hands until your lips are blue and your eyes are red."

 

"Why the aggression all of the sudden?"

 

"It just makes him louder. I cannot stand him. I'd drop my pills down the drain if they didn't threaten to force me to take them."

 

"They can't actually force you to take that against your will. I can also change the prescription to a different medication if that one just makes you feel bad. It’s been known to cause paradoxical effects."

 

"You don't understand Shane..." Ryan ran his fingers through his hair. "I've tried them all! They don't work!" He laughed at the absurdity of it.

 

"If you don't want to take them, I won't make you. But I'm trying to help you, if it's not working we need to look for an alternative."

 

The door buzzer sounded, startling them both. Ryan groaned and rubbed his face.

 

"Alright Ryan. I will be back tomorrow.” Shane gathered his things and stood up.

 

“Don’t forget, Shane...” Shane turned to look at Ryan. He was staring at him intensely. “No book, no deal.”

 

“Of course. Wouldn’t dream of forgetting.” And then he followed the guard out the door. He felt a little better now that he was getting somewhere with Ryan.

 

He thought about getting home later and how Sara would not be waiting for him, and he sighed. He thought about calling her, trying to get some the details sorted out. If nothing else, he still wanted to salvage a friendship, though the better part of him told him it was wishful thinking. He was going to have to call her sooner or later anyway.

 

On the ride back into the city, Shane pulled out his phone. He stared at Sara’s contact number for a good while, hesitating on pressing the green call button. He finally tapped his thumb against the glass, his heart rate going up significantly as he held the phone to his ear.

 

“Shane? Why are you calling me? Is something wrong?” Sara’s voice drifted through the speaker.

 

Shane swallowed his emotions and cleared his throat. “Yeah, it’s me. I just want to talk… and if it’s possible, I need to ask you for a favor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starting to do that thing where I wayyyyy over think everything but man sometimes it be like that....
> 
> probably have another chapter up this week actually, i'm normally not this proactive about stuff but I'm avoiding my real life responsibilities, and we all know how that goes...
> 
> leave a comment and let me know what you thought!


	3. You break the bridle to make losing control easy, easy...

Shane’s hand’s shook as he approached the coffee shop. He saw Sara sitting at one of the outdoor tables and wondered if bailing wasn’t such a bad idea after all. But he swallowed his uneasiness and pressed on, knowing he’d be better off if he just dealt with it. 

 

Sara smiled softly as Shane approached, setting her book down. “Hello.” She said, smiling softly. 

 

Shane took a seat across from her, hoping it wouldn’t be too painful of a conversation. He was hoping for a lot.

 

“Thank you for… agreeing to meet with me. I’m sure I’m the last person you want to see right now.” Shane cleared his throat nervously. This was a bad idea, he was sure of it. 

 

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions and I probably owe you a lot of answers.” Shane found himself getting lost in Sara’s big brown eyes, just like he had since day one. 

 

“I just… I don’t understand. I thought things were really great between us. And maybe I was too absorbed in work or something to see it, maybe we were drifting, but there was never a moment where I felt tired of being around you.” He’d struck a raw nerve with Sara, who suddenly looked very crestfallen. 

 

“That’s probably what makes this such a shitty situation. I’m the one who was drifting, and after a while I felt like I was forcing myself to be with you. You were so happy, every time I’d come in the door, you looked at me with this passion that I just couldn’t return. You are absolutely a wonderful man, and you care very much about the people in your life, but I had to stop us before we went too far.”

 

Shane stilled for a moment, absorbing the information he’d been given. He thought about the ring sitting in his nightstand drawer. His brain conjured up images of them fighting later on and ultimately, as much as he hated it, he had to admit she was right. 

 

“I guess you’re right, it would not have ended well for us.” He scratched his face and stared at the passing traffic. Now he just felt foolish for not noticing sooner. 

 

“I understand if you’re upset with me, I would be too.” 

 

Shane immediately looked back at Sara. “Sara, I’m not angry at you at all. I’m upset of course but, I understand that this was for the best. I can’t keep you pinned down if you don’t want to stay.” 

 

They sit in silence for moment. It’s not quite as bad as Shane thought it would be, but there’s still the dark cloud lingering over his head. A dark cloud that would probably remain for a long time. Shane was lost in his thoughts when Sara spoke again. 

 

“So you had a favor to ask of me?” She said softly. 

 

“Seems foolish of me to ask now.” Shane sighed and looked at the table. 

 

“Well, consider it a parting ways gift then.” She smiled mischievously. 

 

“I… want to schedule one of my patients for an fMRI. But the problem is that this patient -- the new one -- lives in a mental facility. He’s not exactly… safe. Or sane. I need the scans to not only contribute to my research, but to help him understand some things about himself.”

 

“When you say he’s not safe, do you mean that he’s aggressive or…?” 

 

“He can be… I found that he’s only aggressive when he’s provoked by something, but he’s so obstinate that I don’t know what his triggers and stressors are. Without getting into detail, there’s reports of him threatening staff, damaging facility property. He’s a potential threat to anybody at the hospital so I’m afraid they won’t approve a visit.” 

 

He looked at Sara, who was thinking to herself. A few wisps of her curly brown hair had fallen out of her pony tail and danced next to her cheek.

 

“I should be able to convince my colleagues it’d be valuable data. You know as well as I do it’s still a highly experimental system. Drift and noise could pollute the results.” She’s absolutely serious as she says it, but her eyes are kind and warm. 

 

“You tell me that every time, like it’s going to change.” Shane chuckled to himself. 

 

“It could change, someday. The brain is a complex thing, and we’re only just starting to understand some of its complexities. I’ll try to get that appointment for you.” 

 

“Thank you. I really do appreciate it.” Shane reached out and squeezed her hand. 

 

Sara smiled softly in response. “You’re welcome. I’m afraid I’m going to have to leave soon, I have things I need to work on.” 

 

“I probably have things I need to stay on top of as well, so I won’t keep you.” He said, standing up. “Please, don’t feel like you can’t call me if you need anything, okay?” 

 

Sara nodded and held out her hand. “Of course.” Shane took her hand and shook it. He didn’t like the formalness and professionalism of it, he supposed that’s where they were now, back to square one as acquaintances and professionals. 

 

As he walked along the sidewalk, he wondered if he’d ever meet another person like Sara. She was one of a kind, a truly wonderful woman, and Shane was mournful of the fact that they wouldn’t be together anymore. He reminded himself it was for the best. 

 

\---

 

The next day, Shane made his way into the facility with determination. He was going learn things about Ryan today. He walked into Ryan’s cell to find him standing on his head, his arms crossed against his chest and his legs leaning up against the wall. 

 

“Ryan, are you okay?” Shane looked at him through the glass. 

 

“Mmmm, cómo estás, papi…” Ryan said, glancing at Shane with a sly look on his face. He carefully slid back down to the floor, stopping to breathe deeply as he sat up. “The blood rushing to my head makes him quieter. He’s been louder than usual.” 

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Shane sat and pulled out his notes. 

 

“No.” Ryan stretched and and sighed deeply. 

 

“Ryan… I don’t know why you’re so obstinate, but I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.” Shane shifted in his chair, looking at Ryan. 

 

“I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what there is to say. Sometimes he tells me not to speak.” Ryan gets up and sits on his bed, pulling his book of the day into his lap. 

 

“Well, let’s start with some basics. What does it sound like? Can you describe it for me?” 

 

“It’s hard to put into words… It’s like white noise from a TV or a Radio, but if the noise could speak. The louder he is, the more jarring he becomes.” Ryan pulled his blanket up around him. He seemed to lose some of the confidence he seeped only a moment ago.

 

“Why is it a ‘he’?” 

 

“It’s a feeling. He talks to me, and that’s just how it feels.”

 

“What does it say to you?” Shane wrote looked at Ryan. He was staring at the floor with wide eyes.

 

“He’s very negative. He tells me a lot of things. Sometimes I can’t really hear what he’s saying, it’s like a whisper you can’t quite make out. He tells me things about people, about myself.” 

 

“What do you mean negative? What kind of negative things are you hearing?”

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Ryan layed down and stared at the wall. “It doesn’t matter anyway.” 

 

Shane glanced up from his note taking. He saw something in Ryan that he hadn’t had the chance to experience yet: genuine fear mixed with shame. It was like looking at a scared little child. 

 

“It absolutely does matter. I can’t read your mind, Ryan.” 

 

“Por qué trato, estoy etrapado aquí, yo solo sufro…” 

 

Shane tilted his head trying pick apart what Ryan head said. Granted, he spoke beautifully, but Shane lacked the adequate knowledge to properly understand what he was saying. 

 

“I’m sorry, Ryan. I don’t understand what you said.” 

 

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” Ryan grumbled aloud. 

 

“Okay…” Shane wanted to scream. Every time he felt like he was making some progress, Ryan would halt the progress in some way. “Let’s talk about something else, then. You mentioned yesterday that you hate birds. Is there a reason for that?” 

 

“You think I’m  _ afraid _ of birds?” Ryan asked, looking at Shane out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Well, hatred is usually spawned from some sort of fear. Sometimes they’re irrational fears, and sometimes they’re not. It’s okay to be afraid of something, but the root cause of that fear helps me understand things about people.” Shane smiled meaningfully at Ryan. Ryan did not seem to care.

 

“I’m not afraid of birds.” 

 

“Okay. Why do you hate birds?”

 

Ryan turned to look at Shane. His face remained neutral, like he was hiding his emotions. 

 

“No reason in particular. I just hate them.”

 

Shane pursed his lips. Two subject progresses halted in a day. He sighed and uncrossed his knees in defeat. 

 

“Am I frustrating you?” Ryan’s question floated into his mind as he ran through the things they needed to go over. 

 

“You’re not frustrating me, I’m frustrated that we’re not making as much progress as I would like, but that’s not in my control. I can’t make you talk about things if you’re not ready to talk about them.”

 

“What are you, an ethics professor? Don’t be such a little bitch about it. Take control of the situation or find better questions to ask, I’m getting bored.” The defiant fire had returned to Ryan’s eyes, he looked at Shane with a smouldering stare. 

 

Shane’s eyebrows furrowed. “That’s not nice, Ryan. I thought we talked about that.” 

 

“That’s better. I like you so much more when you take control.” A smile creeped across Ryan’s lips, if Shane didn’t know any better, he’d say he was flirting with him. He quickly pushed the thought as far away as possible.

 

“Alright, you me want to take the steering wheel? Tell me why you murdered 5 people. We haven’t talked about that yet.” 

 

Ryan chuckled. “I had to.” 

 

“That’s not what I meant and you know it. Tell me what drove you to killing five innocent civilians.”

 

“I took their lives because they didn’t deserve them.  _ He _ told me they lost the right to live, and it was my job to make sure they died.” Ryan shrugged his blanket off and glanced at Shane. “I had to dirty my hands so I made it worth it. Tell me, Shane, what’s easier to cut off: a dick that’s hard or a dick that’s not?”

 

Shane immediately put up his hand and closed his eyes, trying to banish the gruesome thought from his head. “I  read the report… you don’t need to go into detail.” 

 

“Oh, but I do. And if you read the report, you know that hands are so much harder to cut off. But it’s more fun to do it while they’re still alive, you just gotta hope they don’t bleed out before you’re done….” Ryan smiled softly, thinking about it. Shane’s stomach churned. “It’s probably my best work.” 

 

“It was a grisly act of violence that terrorized Los Angeles.” Shane said matter-of-factly. He remembered when the murders were happening, it caused quite a buzz. “Why do you think they deserved it? You never actually said why.”

 

“Oh, you people with your motives. The answer was right in front of the police, and they glazed over it entirely. Everyone missed the point. It’s right in front of your face if you take the time to see it.” Ryan smirked and spread out on his bed, his fingertips grazing the wall behind his head. “But I guess you’ll all stay blind.”

 

“I don’t understand, Ryan.” 

 

“They were disgusting, dishonorable, vile people.” Ryan sat back up and pointed away from himself, nowhere in particular. “They lacked human decency, it was only fit that they were slaughtered like the animals they were! How can you not see what they’ve done?! Go back and look at the lives they left behind and I can guarantee you’ll find the reason.” Ryan yanked his covers back up around himself and layed back down, facing the wall away from Shane. 

 

“They were just people, Ryan. I think you saw what you wanted to see in them, and that’s the problem with listening to the voice. It’s done nothing but tear you down. I’m doing the best I can to help, but you  _ have _ to talk to me.” Shane looked his huddled form. He felt sorry for him, Ryan’s delusions had twisted him to a point where recovery and coping would be a long and hard road. 

 

“Just go away, our times up anyway.” Ryan didn’t bother to look at him. Shane glanced at his watch and realised an hour had indeed passed. 

 

“Okay. at least reflect on some of the things we’ve talked about. I’ll be back tomorrow.” He stood and put his things back in his bag. As he was walking to the door, he heard Ryan mumbling to himself. 

 

“Duérmete… Duérmete ya. Please, just let me sleep…”

 

Ryan’s murmurs were drowned out by the sound of the door buzzing. Shane tried his best not let it get to him. The poor kid was tormented constantly. Shane felt very useless. 

 

Shane was riding in his cab, watching the landscape go by when his phone rang. Sara’s name bounced joyfully up and down on his screen. He immediately answered and held the phone to his ear. 

 

“Hello?”

 

“You have the appointment. Come by at your earliest convenience so we can schedule it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's like four am, i should be sleeping but you know who needs that shit. Tags are updated and life is fresh
> 
> lot's love and thanks to my buddy Inkstainsonmyhands translating some stuffs for me, because I don't know Spanish and I don't trust google. There's stunning lack of Ryan speaking Spanish and it makes my soul wither
> 
> So, another chapter might be out this week? I don't know, we'll see. It's spring break, but I'm sick and I have lots of stuff to work on. 
> 
> Let me know what you thought in the comments, boys


	4. Flash faded... Say you care, but you don't, you know I hate it

Ryan sat very quietly in the back of the police cruiser. He did not bother to look out the window as the rolling red hills passed them by, only staring directly in front of himself, with a dazed expression. Shane sat next to him, and as uneasy as being stuck in the back of a car made him, he was glad for the facility staff that sat in front of him in the passenger seat, and the officer driving the car. 

 

This whole situation made him nervous, he felt like he was trying the fates. Ryan’s hands were fastened in a criss-cross like position at his waist, so it wasn’t like Shane was in immediate danger. It was more of the atmosphere radiating from Ryan that made him nervous. 

 

“Are you okay?” Shane said, looking at him with concern. He feared Ryan might snap. 

 

“I’m fine.” Ryan turned his head, looking away indignantly. Shane looked back in front of him and tried to breathe deeply. He had a very bad feeling. 

 

The rest of the car ride was intense, Shane was relieved when they finally reached the hospital. Ryan only seemed to tense up more when they entered the building. 

 

“People are looking at me, Shane.” He kept his head low, but occasionally glanced up. People were indeed looking at him. “I want them to stop looking at me, Shane.”

 

“They’re only curious, Ryan. There’s no need to be afraid.” Shane offered him a small smile, but only scowled. 

 

“They should mind their own damn business.” Shane couldn’t help but agree inwardly, but just patted Ryan on the shoulder and told him it would be alright. 

 

It was a weird sensation to be within such close proximity of him. Ryan was very short (a feature he was warned not to mention), but broad and somewhat muscular. Shane suspected he probably took to working out alone in his excessive spare time, which was good. Long periods of time spent doing nothing would only further assist in the deterioration of his mental state, something Ryan surely did not need. 

 

They went into a small office, Shane stood near the door to let the facility worker sit next to Ryan. The officer stood behind Ryan and kept a very close watch on him. Sara eventually approached them, smiling politely. She reached out and shook Shane’s hand. “Nice to see you again.” She nodded at the officer escorting Ryan, and introduced herself to the facility worker. Finally she looked at Ryan, who was staring into the distance with an incineratory look. “You must be Ryan.” 

 

“Unfortunately.” He broke his gaze to look her up and down. 

 

“Well my name is Dr. Rubin, I’m the radiologist who’s going to be working with you today. It’ll just be me a the technologist in the computer room. A nurse and and the facility staff will be in the room with you as well. We’l-”

 

“I want Shane to be in there.” He cut her off mid sentence, looking her dead in the eyes. 

 

She seemed to lose her train of thought for a moment before she remembered what she was talking about. Shane felt somewhat embarrassed on her behalf. 

 

“I- I… That’s fine, yes. He’s welcome to be present if he’d like. As I was saying, we will ask you to perform some small tasks like moving your fingers, your foot, listening to some audio, looking at pictures. Nothing invasive, nothing to be worried about. You’ll hear a series of loud bangs or thuds. Again, nothing to be worried about, it’s just the machine ‘taking photos’ if you will. The machine is highly magnetic, so we’ll be putting a set of soft restraints on you in the meantime. The whole process shouldn’t take more than 45 minutes.” She smiled, but Ryan’s brows just furrowed. “Do you have any questions?” 

 

Ryan mumbled a ‘no ma’am’ and looked at the floor. 

 

“Ryan,” Shane pulled the promised book somewhat from his bag. “Don’t forget.” He said, tapping on the book’s spine.

 

“Of course...” Ryan said. A small smile made its way to his lips, but Shane could see that he was still bothered. 

 

They made their way to the examination room after being thoroughly checked for any metal or magnetic objects on their person. 

 

Shane watched as the color drained from Ryan’s face. Shane worried for a moment Ryan might lose it, and with the officer outside the door, that was a problem. But Ryan remained calm and followed the instructions he was given. He could see a slight tremor in his hand.

 

“Okay, Ryan. Can you hear me alright?” Sara’s voice came through the intercom, Shane looked at her through the window in between them and then back at Ryan. 

 

“Yes.” His voice shook just the slightest amount. 

 

“Are you comfortable? Are you feeling any discomfort at all?” 

 

“I’m fine. I just want to get this over with.” Shane could barely see his face, but he looked very nervous.

 

“Alright, well let's get started then.” 

Sara led him through a series of simple tasks and movements, like touching his thumb to his other four digits, moving his foot, and so on and so forth. He remained as still as physically possible, Shane felt a little bit of pride swell up inside him. This was going much better than he hoped for. 

 

When it was finished, Ryan sat up with a wide eyes. His forehead was covered in perspiration, he lurched forward like he was going to pass out. 

 

“Ryan-Ryan are you alright? What’s the matter buddy, talk to me, what’s going on?” Shane watched in concern as Ryan shook his head. 

 

“Just take me back. He’s being so loud, and it’s hurting my head. I just want to lay down.” Shane frowned, but nodded nonetheless. 

 

“Alright, we'll take you back. You did a good job, I'm really proud of you.” Shane let the nurse and the facility worker help him stand up. Shane and Sara followed them out of the room and back into her office. 

 

“This is ridiculous…” Ryan grumbles as the officer replaces the chain around his stomach, fastening his hands back in place. “If I wanted to bolt, I'd have done it by now.” 

 

“We'll leave soon, okay?” Shane turned to look at Sara. “And the scans should be ready…?” 

 

“In less than two weeks. Shouldn't be long.” Sara smiled taking a seat at her desk. 

 

“I don't understand…” Ryan looked at Sara with an hollow expression. 

 

“What don't you understand, Ryan?” Sara said, tilting her head slightly. 

 

“Shane is such a rare person, putting everyone else's needs first… I just don't get why you'd cheat on Shane behind his back like you did.” 

 

It was like all the air in the room stopped moving. Everyone was quiet for a moment. Sara looked dumbstruck, but the expression quickly melted and turned into a mixture of fear and scandal. Shane felt like he'd just been stabbed in the heart. He looked at Ryan, who seemed satisfied with the response he'd gotten.

 

“I'm sorry?” She opened her mouth to speak but she couldn't quite form anymore words. 

 

“Wait for me in the car...” Shane practically growled. “I'll deal with him in a moment.” 

 

He waited until he and Sara were alone, the air between them was full of fury. 

 

“Never in my life have I been so humiliated…” Sara stared at the wall in front of her. 

 

“Is it true?” Shane looked the woman in front of him. This woman, that he'd loved with all his heart and soul, looked more like a stranger than ever before.

 

“Shane…”

 

“Is it.  _ True _ ?” He could see the tears glistening in her eyes. She looks at him and nods, covering her mouth with her hand, like she's afraid to say the words out loud. Shane sighs and looks up at the ceiling. He feels like a fool. He feels like a naive little child. “Alright, I’m done. Goodbye.” 

 

He makes his way to the door but Sara grabs his wrist and pulls him back. “Shane please don't go, please. I don't even know how he knew that, but please let me exp-” 

 

He puts up his hand and stops her mid sentence. 

 

“Sara, I’m done. Just send me the scans when you get to it. I don't want to hear anymore.” He opens the door and steps out of the room. “I hope they were worth it.” 

 

He doesn't bother to look back at her. Frankly, he was already tearing himself apart inside for not seeing the signs sooner. How could he be so stupid? He'd been played for a fool, a feeling he rather hated. 

 

He made his way out to the cruiser, getting inside rather harshly. He pulled the door shut and looked directly at Ryan. 

 

“I really don't have any words for you right now. I don't know why you like causing people unnecessary grief, but it's something you have got to stop doing.” 

 

Ryan looked at him, though his expression wasn't remorseful, he did look somewhat sympathetic. “You deserved to know. Now stop letting people walk all over you.” 

 

“Alright, I'll start right now.” Shane pulled the book from his bag. “You can have this tomorrow morning. But I want you to spend some time thinking about why you need to mess with people's emotions.”

 

He could see the tick in Ryan's jaw form and hear him grit his teeth. Ryan said nothing but looked out the window, clearly furious with Shane. He didn’t like the feeling that crept up in the pit of his stomach, feeding off the negative energy. It made his heart pound with anxiety.

 

Not a word was uttered on the drive back to the facility. Shane didn’t wholly mind, trying to process through his emotions. Mostly, he just wanted to suffocate in a bottle of whiskey. He was an agent of emotions and feelings, but where did that leave him? Who was going to council him when his mind went too far down a dark path? 

 

He was alone.

 

Once Ryan was safely delivered back into his cell, he paced back and forth behind the glass. Shane watched him, not bothering to sit. He wouldn’t be staying long anyway. 

 

“I’d ask how the hell you knew, but it’s not like you’d give me a straightforward answer anyway. Why am I here, Ryan?” Shane said, crossing his arms.

 

“I didn’t make you take this case out of thousands. You could have had something better paying, something close by so you don’t have to drive to the middle of nowhere. Why  _ are _ you here, and why do you stay?” Ryan looked at him through the glass. 

 

“I don’t know, Ryan. I don’t know. There’s so much that I don’t understand about you and I can’t make sense of it. And just when I think I have it figured out, I’m thrown for another loop.” Shane looked down at the floor. The linoleum was a dull white color. It made him feel a little bit nauseous on top of everything else. 

 

“You think I’m just a challenge?” Ryan sounded hurt, Shane looked up to see his eyes were shimmering. “I’m not a lab rat for you to poke and prod until you find your answers. I’m a person. There’s things about me that just cannot be explained, you won’t step out of your head to see that.”

 

“This is what I’m talking about! You-you’re dug in like a tick and it doesn’t matter what I do, I can’t pull you out. The voice is not real, it’s an auditory hallucination. I don’t know how to make you understand it, I can’t. You have to decide to trust me, otherwise I’m useless.” Shane tilted his head and looked at Ryan with a mixture of sympathy and frustration. Ryan had his back to him. 

 

“Do you think it isn’t equally as frustrating for me? Do you think… that…” Ryan trailed off and slowly turned his head to look at the floor in the front corner of the room. He jumped back and shrieked in alarm, retreating to the opposite corner. 

 

“Ryan, what’s wrong?” Shane looked past the glass as best he could, but he saw nothing. 

 

“There’s a  _ fucking bird _ in here!!!” He pointed at the supposed bird, but still Shane saw nothing.

 

“I don’t see anything… I don’t see a bird.” Shane looked at the man shaking against the wall, staring at the corner with wide eyes.

 

“It’s a bright fucking green conure, right there in the corner.” He crouched in down and clung to the wall. “Oh my God it’s coming closer,  _ get rid of it _ !” He buried his face in his hands only to peep through his fingers for a moment. 

 

“Ryan… Ryan I want you to look at me.” Ryan shook his head and kept his eyes clenched shut. He let out a shaky sob in between ragged breaths. Shane got down on his hands and knees where the glass separated them. 

 

“Ryan. Look at me.” 

 

Ryan finally looks up at him. There’s a desperation that Shane had never seen in him before, it almost scared him as well.  His eyes were full of large shining tears, his dark eyes were locked on Shane’s hazel-brown eyes. 

 

“There’s no bird in there. Whatever you’re seeing and/or hearing isn’t real. You’re probably experiencing a visual hallucination. There’s no bird, and it won’t hurt you.” 

 

Shane watched as Ryan slowly turned to look back at the corner, grief overcame his face. He pinched the bridge of his nose and wept, his other hand resting against the glass. Shane put his hand up to meet Ryan’s. 

 

“It was a punishment… it was a punishment from him…” Ryan managed to mumble. “He’s punishing me for the fMRI. He told me not to do it, and I did it anyway.”

 

“Don’t beat yourself up over it, you did a good job dealing with the machine and you should be proud of yourself. Don’t let it take that from you.” Shane wished he could hold him, so he could at least calm him down and tell him it would be alright. 

 

“I’m so tired of him, Shane. I’m so, so tired.” 

 

Shane nodded solemnly. “I know, Ryan. I know you are. I want to help you.” 

 

Shane jumped, the buzzer for the door behind him startling both him and Ryan. Shane glanced at his watch and stood up reluctantly. He realized he was standing past the line he'd been warned not to cross, the yellow and black paint seemed frivolous. 

 

“I'll come back tomorrow. I promise.” Shane didn't really want to leave him there, shivering in the corner with tears in his eyes. 

 

“Please don’t leave yet…” Ryan’s voice was raspy and raw.

 

“I can’t stay any longer, I’ll be back tomorrow. You’ll be alright, I’ll make sure someone takes care of you.” He managed a small smile before turning around to look at the guard. “Get someone in here to help him calm down. He’s had a vivid visual hallucination. It's possible he'll have more later on.” 

 

He followed the guard out of the door, glancing at Ryan one last time. Shane had to tear his gaze away. 

 

“You were too close to the glass.” The guard mumbled aloud. “I'll let it slide since you were the only one in there when he started freaking out.” 

 

“You need to keep a close watch on him tonight. I'm almost positive he's never had a history of visual hallucinations, but I have to double check. Either his condition is worsening or it's a symptom of another underlying problem, both of which are obviously very bad. It could just be that he's stressed as well, he might be aggressive later too.” A notch found its way in between Shane's eyes. 

 

“He's probably messing with you again.” The guard said carelessly, shrugging his shoulders. 

 

“Listen to me,” Shane stopped the guard and looked in his eyes. “Ryan is someone who's lost touch with what's real and what's not. It's my job to help him get back to reality and manage his symptoms as best he can. That kind of attitude just feeds the problem. He's obstinate because he feels like he has to be. I'm probably out of place saying this but it needs to be said. Treat him like you would someone with any kind of illness-with care and respect.” 

 

“We're talking the person that killed people, right? The lunatic in there that murdered people? A fact of which he is proud?” 

 

Shane sighed and continued walking. “He killed people because his symptoms weren't being managed. Psychosis is a powerful thing. It doesn't make it any less wrong, but one could argue he was not in control. He's proud of it because he believes he did the right thing.” 

 

The guard doesn't respond, and just opens the door for him. 

 

Shane walks past and nearly gets all the way out of the facility before remembering Ryan's book. He felt it would be inappropriate to punish Ryan, he had promised him the book after all. 

 

He stood outside for a moment, looking at the novel in his hands. The reddish orange covered stood out against his pale hands, he ran his thumb over the smooth, soft-jacket . He felt somewhat like the astronaut disappearing amongst the red dust on the cover. 

 

It was a book about endurance and hope while being completely alone. Something he thought Ryan could use. 

 

Reluctantly he turned back around, giving the book to a nurse and asking that it be given to Ryan once he was calmed down.

 

Only after he made her promise to give it to him did he leave, getting inside the cab waiting for him. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cracks knuckles* know we can get somewhere, eh
> 
> look, the chapters are going to start getting more intense from here on out so.... you've been warned. 
> 
> lemme know what you thought in the comments!


	5. The sign says don't tap the glass but I read it in reverse, ssalg eht pat t'nod syas ngis ehT

Shane went off the deep end that night. He went out, drinking, probably looking for something that he wasn’t going to find. Several glasses later and he found himself in the bed of a stranger, seeking comfort. 

 

He wasn’t really into it, just sort of running through the motions. It was like he was trying to grasp that higher form of pleasure, and yet it eluded him. He came and just felt emptier and lonelier than before, the dull ache made its way back into his heart. 

 

He lost himself in his thoughts when the man he’d slept with pulled him back out. 

 

“So who’s Ryan? Must be hot if you’d let his name slip during sex with a stranger.” The man said with a teasing voice. Shane was confused for a moment, he took a good look at the man laying next to him and realized exactly what he’d done. The olive skin, dark eyes, jet black hair, unmistakably defined arms and shoulders. He looked very similar to Ryan, and it scared the hell out of him. 

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Shane got up and started putting his clothes back on, wanting to retreat to his alcohol cabinet as quickly as possible.

 

“Sure you do. I don’t mind, just wondering who you were pretending I was. Not like we’ll see each other again after tonight.” He sat up, pushing the sheets away from himself. 

 

Shane buttoned his shirt up, not answering immediately. He felt sort of bad that he’d already forgotten the man’s name. He’d been a little more than buzzed, so who could blame him? “He’s not anyone important,” Shane said, lying through his teeth. “Just someone I talk to.” 

 

“Mmmh, well you better snag him before someone else does, huh? Stop sleepin’ with strangers and get busy with it.” 

 

Shane scoffs to himself, tying his shoes. “If I liked him like that.” The thought of it made his stomach turn. It was wrong, the whole situation. Shane pushed the notion further and further in the back of his mind, leaving it sitting with all the other bad thoughts he didn’t want to deal with. 

 

He stood and made sure his keys and wallet were on him, then turned to face the man sitting on the bed. “I’ll see myself out. Thanks for tonight, this was fun.” What else was he supposed say to after banging a complete stranger. 

 

“Go getcha’ man, tiger.” He winked at Shane, watching a blush crawl up his neck. “And if you don’t, you know which bar to find me at.” 

 

Shane nodded nervously and left, shutting the door behind him quietly. Alone in the night, his thoughts returned to bother him. 

 

Sara this, Sara that. Ryan this, Ryan that. Maybe  _ he _ needed a psychiatrist now, ironic but not uncommon. He carried the burden of other people’s thoughts, but who was to carry his? 

 

He thought the less details he knew about Sara’s affair, the better he’d be. Who was out there that she felt was better than him? What had she done behind his back and how many times? How long had this been going on? All these questions, riddles that he couldn’t solve. 

 

He stumbled into his house and pulled a bottle of bourbon out of his cabinet, pulling a glass from his sink as well. His apartment was dark, and felt vacant. He felt temporary amongst all his belongings, blundering through the short hall and into his bedroom. Light from the city bled into his room from his half open blinds, he quickly shut them. 

 

It was just him, he thought. He really ought to get a pet or something, even a fish or a bird. It was too quiet now. 

 

_ Birds _ , he thought.  _ What a silly thing to be afraid of _ . He stared at the glass of brown liquid in his hand and then knocked back most of it. 

 

He glanced at his clock and scowled at the time. He’d need to fall asleep soon if he wanted to be in a decent state of mind for tomorrow. He’d thought about cancelling, but he promised he’d come back and he wasn’t about to leave Ryan hanging out to dry. 

 

He didn’t relish the idea of going in, only to be shouted at and berated by his own patient. He was hesitant to deal with it, partially because it made him feel bad and partially because he genuinely was in a position of power of Ryan. He could only hope that Ryan was ready to talk the next day.

 

The ugly little monster in the back of his own head reminds him of what he does not wish to confront.  _ You like it when he’s defiant.  _ He groans as his brain produces thoughts against his will, chalking it up to being drunk. He’ll have common sense and decency in the morning. But then again, the purpose of him being drunk was to forget these thoughts in the first place. 

 

Shane set his glass on his nightstand and stared at it. The amber liquid sparkled in the glass, it looked more like a flat coke than a neat bourbon in the scant light. He picked the glass back up and finished it off so he wouldn’t have to look at it anymore. 

 

He drifted in and out consciousness, wondering what was left for him here.

 

The morning light woke him rather harshly long before his bedside alarm did. He felt gross, covered in a layer of invisible filth. A shower helped somewhat, but he couldn’t wash the thoughts from his mind, so they just stayed put and he just stayed sad. 

 

He looked at his face in the mirror, contemplating whether he should leave his beard or not. He liked the rugged appearance, but after a while he just started to look shaggy. He finally picked up the razor and took to his face, he didn't much enjoy the way he looked after either. 

 

He didn't bother eating, forcing down a hot cup of coffee. No cream, no sugar, just black and bitter. 

 

He tried to still the uneasiness in his soul on the drive to the facility, the last thing he needed was to become undone in front of Ryan. What kind of faith was he supposed to have in him if he couldn't even hold himself together?  _ Pathetic, do better, _ he told himself.

 

He smiles when he walks into the cell. Ryan was sitting, curled up in his blanket with Shane's book in hand. Shane almost didn't want to disturb him, but time was ticking. 

 

“What do you think so far?”

 

“This Mark… he's very upbeat for someone trapped 3.4 million miles away from home. Farming his goddamn potatoes all alone.” Ryan closes the book quietly and looks at Shane. “Was this really the last work of fiction you read or did you just want me to read this?” He asks quietly

 

Shane chuckled. “It really was the last fiction book I read, I don't read a lot of fiction these days. They made a movie out of it though.” 

 

Ryan scoffs to himself, he looks a tad bit sad thinking about it. “I haven't watched a movie in years… I’m sure Hollywood probably butchered it.” 

 

Shane realized what kind of future Ryan had, committed to a facility for indefinite amount of time. It had already been five years, and Shane was certain it would be a few more before he walked outside again. There was so much work to be done. 

 

“Well, the sooner we get started, the sooner you’ll be able to see one one day.” Shane sits down and makes himself comfortable.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Shane looks up at Ryan, who’s looking at him remorsefully. His eyes move periodically, not wanting to focus on any one feature of Shane’s. 

 

“For what?” 

 

“For what I said. I… felt angry for you. My head was pounding. I should have held it together, but I hurt you. You didn’t need to know what she did, and I feel bad about it. It wasn’t my business.” A crease formed in between Ryan’s eyebrows as he struggled to find the right words to say. 

 

This was new, Shane couldn’t help but feel a sense of accomplishment swell up inside him. 

 

“I appreciate that, Ryan. What’s done is done, and we don’t need to talk about it anymore.” He smiled softly at Ryan, but he seemed to only become more upset. 

 

“Shane, I want to get better, but I’m scared. I feel like I have to listen to him or something bad will happen. I always feel like I’m being watched and punished.” 

 

And there it was. The exact words Shane wanted to hear, spoken freely. No pleading with him to comply, Ryan wanted to turn a page in his life, and he was asking Shane to help. He felt some relief settle into his shoulders. 

 

“Well, I’m glad to hear it. It’ll be hard. But if you trust me, I can help you heal. I can’t make your symptoms go away, but I can help you manage them and get them under control.” Shane crossed his legs. “Let’s talk about when you first started having auditory hallucinations. You mention when the became a bigger problem than you could deal with but you never said when you started hearing them.” 

 

Ryan thought for a moment, resting his book under his chin. “I was twelve? Thirteen maybe… around then. He didn’t really talk to me, it was just sort of a noise in the back of my head. I told my mom and she said not to joke about things like that, so I just tried to ignore it.”

 

“That’s the other thing I’ve been meaning to tell you, you gotta stop referring to it as ‘he’. It gives it the legitimacy it does not need. It’s not real, so referring to it as such is not good.” 

 

Ryan looked troubled, trying to process what Shane told him. “.... It.” He said, trying the word on his tongue. 

 

“It’s okay, take your time. It’s something to unlearn, it doesn’t happen right away.” Shane tapped his pen against his notepad.

 

Ryan nodded and continued. “I started hearing actual words around fifteen or sixteen. I remember I was in class. I thought someone was playing with a radio. Everybody looked at me weird when I told them to quit playing with it, they didn’t know what I was talking about. I got in trouble that day…” He looked off into the distance, recalling the memory. “My parents were so mad at me, and the yelling just made it worse. I kept telling them, there was a loud noise, but they didn’t want to hear it.”

 

“Tell me more about your childhood. What kind of environment did you grow up in? Did you have siblings?” 

“There’s not a lot that I remember, just bits of things here and there. My house was just before a cul-de-sac. It had three bedrooms and a backyard that went on forever, it was just open to the desert. Me and brother used to play on the hills. His name was Jake.” Ryan sighed, pulling his blanket closer to himself.

 

“Was? Did he die?” 

 

“He disappeared when I was a freshman in college. Just gone.”

 

Shane raised his eyebrows. “They never found him? He was just gone without a trace?” 

 

“Yes.” Ryan glanced at Shane and then looked down at his sheets. He had a vacant expression on his face. “It split my family apart. How are you supposed to deal with that, you know? My parents don’t talk to each other anymore. And they definitely don’t talk to me, not after what I did.” 

 

“Did the hallucinations get worse? After he disappeared…” 

 

“Of course they did. I was… already vulnerable I guess. He--it--started talking more and more. It drove me up the wall. I stopped talking to friends, to my parents. I stayed in my room all day and just listened to it talking to me. And the worst part is that I believed every single word it said. I thought I was worthless, useless.” 

 

Ryan looked up at Shane, he looked hardened. Granted, he’d all the time in the world to reflect upon it, it was probably something that haunted him on a daily basis.

 

“That voice became my world. I got kicked out of university and spent a lot of time wandering around. My mom’s extended family owned a cabin on a resort that hardly anybody used, so I went and lived there. I went through so many jobs, usually I got fired for being aggressive or creepy. One of my first victims was actually a disgruntled customer from one of those jobs. He just looked at him and the voice said ‘that’s a bad person, get rid of him’. I didn’t want to kill anybody at first.”

 

“Why did you think he was a bad person, did he tell you something that angered you?” Shane glanced over the notes he’d taken thus far, there was so much to be examined. 

 

“Well he called me a freak, and of course it pissed me off, but who wouldn’t be. I told him to fuck off and he said ‘or what’ and I said I’d kill him. I was fired on the spot.”

 

“Had you met all of your victims before?” 

 

“No.” Ryan looked past Shane and at the door behind him. “Not all of them. Some of them were just… spur of the moment. It’s not that hard to kill people when you’re living in the middle of nowhere. My life is strange. It’s like I’m cursed or something.”

 

“How do you mean ‘cursed’?”

 

“When I was fourteen, our neighbor’s house burned down with him still inside it. He was a middle aged guy, he drove a red pickup and always yelled at the next door neighbor’s cat. He owned a bird. I wasn’t sorry to see him go. At the beginning of my senior year, I had a fight with one of my best friends, he commited suicide a few days later. I felt horrible about it, I blamed myself for it. Everybody told me it wasn’t my fault but the voice was there telling me it was. The last thoughts that ran through his head, everything.” Ryan chuckled darkly to himself. “People are so finite… Anyway, then my brother disappeared, I starting killing people, and now here we are.”

 

“Here we are…” Shane repeated. He felt a little overwhelmed for Ryan. This made his problems look arbitrary and insignificant. It was no wonder how Ryan slipped so far out of reality, no wonder why he refused to reach out for help. One detail stuck out at him, as odd as it was, it seemed insignificant. “You said your neighbor had a bird… what kind of bird was it?”

 

“It was a green conure, I know where you're going, I don’t think it’s related.” Ryan said, rolling his eyes. 

 

“No, maybe not. But if that person did something to hurt you, the thought might manifest itself in different ways. I just have to wonder why it was a bird you saw, out of anything else. Your brother, your parents, your friend, any of your victims. Why the bird? You know? It’s just odd.”

 

“I suppose it is.” Ryan swayed from side to side, finally settling against the wall. He looked like a child on a time-out. 

 

“Are you alright?” Ryan had given Shane a lot of food for thought, a lot of work to do. 

 

“I’m just tired. He’s being loud.”

 

“He?”

 

“It - sorry.” He huffs, slouching against the wall.

 

“It’s alright. Just gotta work on it, alright? You wanna tell me what it’s saying right now? I know you don’t want to, but it’ll help.”

 

Ryan clenched his eyes together, shaking his head. “It doesn’t want me to say anything. It keeps telling me to stop talking. It wants me to give you false information.”

 

“Why?” 

 

“It says the less you know, the better.” Ryan scowled. It wasn’t an expression that complimented him, he looked ready to kill. “It won’t tell me why.”

 

“Probably because it doesn’t know the answer. You don’t, therefore it doesn’t. Have you ever tried asking it a question that you don’t know the answer to?” 

 

“He tells me things that even you don’t know, if he doesn’t tell me something it’s because he doesn’t want me to know.” 

 

Shane raised an eyebrow at the dropped pronoun and clicked his pen closed, staring at Ryan. He seemed to take the hint, huffing loudly. 

 

“ _ It, _ whatever. Look, the point is  _ it’s _ the one in control.”

 

“I think that’s what you’ve conditioned yourself to think. If there’s a question you can ask it, and it doesn’t know the answer, then you know it’s an auditory hallucination. It also helps put it back in its place, if you will, because then you know the things it’s telling you are false.”

 

“I guess…” Ryan shrugged.

 

“I don’t expect you to get the hang of it right away. It’s hard learning to question something that you’ve been dealing with for such a long time.” Shane flipped back through his notes, looking for topics he had yet to discuss. “Okay. There’s one thing I wanted to talk to you about before I leave… And you’re not going to like it, so I’m sorry. I’m going to take you off your current medication because it’s clearly not helping, and you’ve been on it for several months. I’m going to put you on a new one after we get you off the old one.” 

 

“Please don’t… oh my God, please don’t.” Ryan rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. “I can’t shut it out at all with the withdrawal and then getting used to a new medication... It’s so loud.”

 

“You keep saying that, what do you mean by ‘loud’?” 

 

“The only way I know how to describe is… it’s like the voice is causing my skull to vibrate. I say loud and I mean it interrupts any other thought I had at the time, and all I can hear is that voice.”  

 

“Is that why you don’t like loud noises?” 

 

“Yes.” 

 

“I see.” Shane glanced at his watch, and saw that their time was nearly at an end. “We’ll work on it, alright? Maybe we can get you to the point where it doesn’t bother you so much, but it might be a long time. Depends on how committed you are.”

 

“Oh... I’m committed alright.” A devilish smirk made its way to Ryan’s lips. Shane pretended to act like he didn’t know what he meant. 

 

“That’s good. We’re going to have to pick back up tomorrow.” Shane smiled and put his things in his bag. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Ryan. I want you to work on actively challenging the voice, okay? Question it. Ask of it things you would not ask yourself. Can you do that for me?”

 

“I can try.” Ryan watched him as he turned to leave. 

 

“Good.” Shane gave him one last smile before leaving, the door buzzing as the guard pushed it open for him. 

 

I found himself feeling a lot better than he had that morning, but when all was said and done the ache returned to his body. The cavity in his chest felt overly sensitive, like any moment he’d keel over from a widow maker. 

 

He decided to just go home, maybe he’d go out tonight and be destructive once more, and fall into a pattern of pretending to be fine, only to throw it all out the window. 

 

He thought about maybe taking on a few more patients, it’s not like there was a shortage of people here in the heart of L.A.. Work might be a valuable and welcome distraction, though he felt like he’d be doing Ryan a disservice if he took on other patients. It wasn’t like he owed every single waking moment to Ryan’s cause, Shane wasn’t sure why he felt ashamed of even thinking about taking on other patients. 

 

He wandered aimlessly in his home, not sure what to do with himself. He didn’t want to sit down and work, taking a nap was out of the question, He didn’t feel like going anywhere to work either. He remained stuck in a sort of limbo, until he finally settled at his desk. 

 

He became so absorbed in his screen that he was startled by the sound of his doorbell. He really ought to convince his landlord to consider changing it, but the thought passed quickly as he made his way to the door. He was expecting a package or a delivery he’d probably forgotten about at some point and was alarmed to find Sara standing at his doorstep. 

 

She looked frightened, clutching a large envelope in her hands. 

 

“What do you want?” Shane wondered if he should tell her to just be gone, or to let her stay. 

 

“It’s the scans Shane. There’s something very wrong with Ryan.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter wont be up until next week, I've got a philosophy test I haven't studied for and I'm kind of fucked if I don't so... rest in fucking pieces Socrates, what a damn travesty. The Sophists can fuck right off, I'm done with their shit. 
> 
> I think we're like 3-4 chapters away from the end, I didn't intend for this to be long at all. Just wanted to tell a story. 
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments!


	6. It was a slight on my honor, so he deserved it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> forgive me padre for this chapter is _d a r k_
> 
> tags have been updated, boys.

Shane wordlessly let Sara into his apartment, stepping aside and quietly shutting the door behind her. She mumbled a thank you and quickly made her way to the kitchen.

 

Shane watched as she laid out the scans, placing them carefully side by side. Shane could see immediately what Sara was talking about.

 

“The neurologist pretty much laughed me out of the room when I said the patient was schizophrenic. There’s absolutely no indication he’s experiencing auditory hallucinations. There’s no indication for any abnormality at all.” She looked at Shane.

 

Shane wasn’t sure how to process what he was seeing. This could not be, there was not a logical explanation his brain could string together for this at the moment. He was staring at, what was for the most part, a healthy brain.

 

He took his time examining each one, not saying anything, just staring. Looking for anything, _anything_ that would be indicative.

 

“I don’t understand…”

 

“I don’t either. I don’t know what to make of it.”

 

Shane glanced up at Sara for a moment and back down at the scans, taking one in his hand. “You’re positive these are Ryan’s?”

 

“I’m absolutely sure these are Ryan’s scans.”

 

“Then it’s possible he wasn’t hallucinating during the examination. That’s the only thing I can think of that would explain this, and it really doesn’t do it much justice. He’s sensitive to sounds, just being in that room with the machine triggered an episode.” Shane dropped the scan unceremoniously back on the counter and rubbed his face, pushing his glasses up with his finger tips.

 

“He might not be schizophrenic, he could have a different disorder. He might not even have a disorder at all, maybe he’s just delusional and everything we do plays into that delusion. If that’s the case, he should be retried and sent to prison.” Sara spoke quietly.

 

“No… You don’t understand. I watched... him cower in the corner, terrified of a bird on the floor of his cell. There was no bird in the room, but it was real to him. I am positive that he is without a doubt schizophrenic.”

 

Sara looked around the room for a moment. Her face full of doubt, she looked like she’d lost sleep.

 

“If that’s what you want to believe. Don’t come crying to me when you lose your license over this.”

 

“You’re the one who pushed me to take up this case.” Shane growled. It looked like he’d struck a raw nerve, but he was far too angry to care at the moment.

 

“I did. I didn’t realize how much a freakshow you were dealing with. I thought it would be good for you, but I was wrong.” A tear fell down Sara’s cheek, she quickly wiped it away. Her bottom lip quivered a bit like it always did when she was upset.

 

Shane is taken aback by her response. “Don’t you fucking call him a freakshow…. I expected better from you, but twice now I’ve been disappointed.”

 

“After what he did, what he _said_ , he’s more than earned that title. I don’t know what the _fuck_ his problem is, but don’t let yourself get pulled into it.”

 

“Don’t make this about him. This is about you. This is about you, sleeping with someone behind my back. I _loved you._ I was going to propose to you, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but now I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore.” Shane could feel the notch forming in between his eyebrows.

 

“I didn’t sleep with anybody.” Sara looked at the counter, where all the scans lay forgotten. “One of my colleagues kissed me one night while I was at work… and I kissed them back. But that was it. It’s still a shitty thing to do, but I didn’t sleep with anybody.”

 

“As if that makes it any better.” Shane turned and walked away, trying to hide the tears forming in his eyes. “Go home, Sara. There’s nothing for you here.”

 

Sara said nothing, only nodding. She quickly made her way out of the apartment, Shane heard the door shut harshly, but he was glad for the sound. He made his way to the entryway and locked the door, leaning against it and sliding down to the floor.

 

A few heavy sobs escaped his throat, but he quickly pulled himself together. _You’re not going to do this tonight._ Things needed to be taken care of.

 

He stood back up and made his way into the kitchen once more. The gloss finish of the scans shined under the island light fixture.

 

He couldn’t fathom it… he didn’t _want_ to fathom it. It didn’t make any sense at all. The only heightened brain activity visible was from auditory processing, and he was positive it was just because Ryan was being spoken to at the time of the scan.

 

He spent the rest of the night combing through documents and reports, looking for any details he might have missed. He stayed up so late he fell asleep at his desk, his phone alarm screaming at him the next morning to get up and get ready for the day.

 

Shane begrudgingly gathered up all of his things and put them in his message bag. He placed the scans back in their envelope and left them by the door along with his bag while he took a shower and put on fresh clothes.

 

His back ached from his uncomfortable sleeping position as he showered, a small persistent headache left him feeling slightly nauseous and on edge. He stood there for a while, staring at the shower tiles.

 

The thoughts in his head were going a million miles an hour but they weren’t really going anywhere, so they just went round and round. The biggest question was _how_? While others glossed over loose ends, there were far too many here for Shane to just ignore. Even so, this wasn’t just a case that would get wrapped up nice and neat with a pretty bow on top.

 

 _This whole thing is a mess,_ Shane thought to himself.

 

_“You can’t prove anything, and that’s why it bothers you so much.”_

 

Why Shane needed proof so bad was beyond him, he was supposed to be the sane one.

 

A sudden rush of anger overcame him, he struck the shower wall with his fist, a small shout escaping his mouth. This case ruined everything for him, he knew he should drop it and move on. He didn’t understand why he felt like he owed it to Ryan to stay. He owed Ryan nothing, in fact Ryan owed _him_ , if nothing else.

 

 _Ryan…_ He let his hand slide down the wall, fingers brushing the wet tile as they slipped past.

 

 _Are you really going to do this?_ His hand slipped down the wet skin on his abdomen. Water droplets gathered at his fingertips and ran down his body as soon as they were too heavy to cling to his skin. The stream from the showerhead was soothing on his aching back.

 

 _Yeah… I am gonna do this._ He finally let his hand slide the rest of the way down, closing around his cock. It twitched in his palm, the center of his gut growing warm with want.

 

 _He’s driven me to this_. Shane used his other arm to lean against the wall. A stuttered sigh left his lips as he stroked himself, pausing to massage the sensitive head of his dick.

 

 _What an arrogant brat._ He imagined how Ryan would look under him, the sounds he’d make as he took Shane’s cock. Shane wasn’t blind, he saw the way Ryan looked at him, he heard the tone in his voice as he spoke.

 _He wants this, and you do too_. The very thought of how scandalous it was turned him on even more. Precum beaded up at the tip, Shane used his thumb to spread it around. The shower was filled with nothing but the sounds of running water, each heavy breath that left his lips, and the slick noises of his hand stroking his length.

 

A breathy moan escaped his lungs, he bit down on his lip to try and keep quiet. He wasn’t sure why he bothered, no one was there to judge him. No one but himself. He felt that familiar tug in his gut. _I’m so close._

 

Shane came with a groan all over his hand and the wall, he stared at his own seed as it dripped lazily off his narrow fingers. Water droplets clung like dew to his eyelashes, blurring his vision a bit. He quickly washed his hand and the tile off and then shut the water off with a harsh snap.

 

He decided to drive himself that day, his car sat in a parking garage all hours of the day and night. Parking was expensive, and it was easier to just grab a cab or an Uber, or even just walk. The angry little buzz just wouldn’t go away and he thought maybe driving down the highway might help. And it did, but only a little bit.

 

He was still irritated when he passed through the doors of the facility, he didn’t notice the worried look on the guards face until he spoke.

 

“Thank God you’re here.”

 

The irritation melted and was replaced with anxiety. Shane looked at him warily. “What’s wrong?”

 

“We don’t know.” He was led down the hallway at a rather fast pace to the first door, that had since been propped open. “We noticed last night he was tossing and turning an unusual amount. This morning he was aggressive to all the staff that tried to interact with him.” The guard quickly unlocked the second door and let him into the cell, where other doctors and a nurse were watching Ryan.

 

He was curled up on the floor, wailing and clasping his head in his hands. A nurse tried to interact with him, asking him gently to tell him what was wrong. He kept pushing her away with his hand.

 

“What happened?” Shane walked to the nearest doctor watching on.

 

“He collapsed on the ground about fifteen minutes ago. He’s been screaming ever since, he won’t tell us what’s wrong.” He watched Ryan with an expressionless stare.

 

“Let me in there.” Shane dropped his bag and the envelope and rolled up his sleeves.

 

“We can’t guarantee your safety.” The doctor looked him up and down like he was an absolute fool, as if there wasn’t a nurse already in there with him.

 

“I don’t care, let me in.” Shane practically growled. He barely recognised his own voice.

 

The doctor shrugged and opened the door for him, Shane passed the threshold of Ryan’s cell.

 

Ryan’s face was full of pure agony, tears streaked his reddened face and the veins in his neck outthrust against the rest of his skin. “ _Vete!_ Quiero Shane, dónde está Shane?!” He kept yelling at the nurse, who looked distressed.

 

“Ryan…” He spoke softly, Ryan’s eyes fluttered open and he looked up at Shane. He looked truly terrified. The nurse stepped away to let Shane approach him without interference.

 

“Shane…” Ryan whispered with a raw voice.

 

“I’m here... I need you to tell me what’s wrong, okay?” Shane reached out with a cautious hand and brushed a strand of hair out of Ryan’s face. “Can you do that for me?”

 

“My head… it hurts.” Ryan whimpered, his nails digging into his skin.

 

“Where does your head hurt?”

 

“ _Everywhere!_ It hurts everywhere, Shane!” Ryan screamed, falling back into fetal position. The sound echoed off the concrete walls. “ _Make it stop!_ ”

 

Shane brushed Ryan’s shaking shoulder. “Okay, alright. We’re gonna get you some help.”

 

He stood up and looked at the doctors watching them from the other side of glass. How surreal it was to be seeing the world from Ryan’s side of the window pane.

 

“Did you call an ambulance for him.” Shane said, pointing at Ryan. He was moaning in torment and rocked back and forth on the floor. Shane’s irritation flared up yet again when the doctors shook their heads ‘no’.

 

“We were hoping this was just an episode that would pass.” They explained, but Shane wasn’t hearing any of it.

 

“Call an ambulance.” Shane knelt back down and tried to coax Ryan into sitting up slowly.

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, he’ll come out of it in a-”

 

Shane cuts him off, uninterested in what he has to say on the matter. Maybe that doctor had been there longer but Shane didn’t care. This wasn’t about mental health anymore, he was positive this something else.  “Call 911 or I will.”

 

The doctor does not argue with Shane, pulling out a phone and doing as Shane requested. He turned back to Ryan, who’d since stopped his writhing but was still clutching his head as though it’d fall off his shoulders.

 

“Come on,” Shane motioned for the nurse to help him. Ryan reluctantly let go of his head as Shane and the nurse helped him stand up. His entire body felt rigid, muscles tensed and hard. He could feel him shaking under his fingertips as he led Ryan back to his bed, putting the blanket over Ryan’s shoulders. “We’re gonna get you some help.”

 

It was now that Shane wished he could wave a magic wand and make Ryan’s suffering stop. It tore him to pieces watching Ryan whimper and wail on the bed, begging someone, _anyone_ , to make his head stop.

 

When the EMS came to take him to the hospital, Shane practically bolted for his car. His heart pounded in his chest as he followed some distance behind.

 

When he finally made to the hospital and found Ryan, a pair of nurses were trying put an IV in his arm, one trying to hold him down as the other tried to still his arm long enough to insert the needle.

 

“No me toques con eso!! Voy a matarte... _Voy a matarte!!_ ” Ryan sounded like he’d been possessed, his voice was raw and scratchy when he yelled. He reached for his other arm but was kept just out of reach by the cuffs keeping him locked on the gurney.

 

“Deja de luchar…” The nurse groaned as she warred with Ryan. “God damn-I need help over here!”

 

“Ryan, let her put the needle in your arm.” Ryan looked up at Shane. Unshed tears shimmered in his eyes.

 

“He-he said not to let her, Shane. He said he’ll make it worse.” His voice shook as he spoke.

 

“It’ll be okay Ryan, I promise. It’ll be okay.” Shane approached him slowly. Ryan resisted a bit longer before finally giving up his arm in defeat. He flinched as the needle entered his arm, staring at it with a mixture of fear and disgust.

 

It wasn’t not long before the morphine hit and Ryan calmed down. He went into a dazed state, mostly unresponsive unless Shane spoke to him, and only gave short answers. Shane watched him wearily, Ryan looked around like his surroundings were unfamiliar to him but he was too out of it to react.

 

They put him in a room until they can squeeze him in for testing, Shane lingered there with him, wondering if he should leave and come back the next day. He decided he’d be better off letting Ryan rest.

 

“I lied to you… yesterday.” Shane stopped and turned around to see Ryan awake. He was staring at the ceiling, almost catatonically. His pupils were dilated, leaving a small ring of deep brown at the edge.

 

“What do you mean?” He sat back down, looking at Ryan.

 

“I said the bird was unrelated… I lied.”

 

“We don’t have to talk about this right now, you’re not exactly sober at the moment.” Shane smiled sympathetically at him.

 

“I won’t be able to… off the morphine.”

 

Shane pondered for a moment, and then nodded. “Alright, if you feel like you have to.” He pulled his notes from his bag, positive that Ryan was going to feed him some drug induced bullshit but he’d sit there and write it anyway if it made him feel better.

 

“The neighbor… the one that died. I used to mow his lawn for… spending money. You know, like you do as a teen.”

 

Shane hummed in response.

 

“One day he invited me inside, I didn’t really think anything of it... He said wallet was inside the house and told me to follow him… so I did.”

 

Shane stopped writing and looked at Ryan. A silent tear slipped down his cheek, glistening in the scant lighting of the hospital room. _Oh no..._

 

“He-he touched me…” Ryan’s eyebrows furrowed. “He kept touching me, and telling me to stay quiet. He said it was our little secret and he made me touch him…” His voice cracked as he spoke.

 

“Ryan you don’t have to talk about it anymore if it’s upsetting you-”

 

“I still remember the bird… as clear as day. It was like my brain stopped working… Out of all the things to be frightened of in that moment, the bird frightened me the most. It was stuck in a cage too small, and it kept screeching and flapping its wings. I just looked at it, I didn’t do anything.”

 

Shane clasped the bridge of his nose, his eyes screwed shut. Good God, what a weight Ryan had been carrying all this time. He did his best to pull himself together, clearing his throat. “Go on...” 

 

“I started hearing the voice after that… as soon as I left his house the noise started and it never stopped.”

 

There was a pause between them as Shane tried to find the words to give Ryan.

 

“I’m sorry…” was all he could manage.

 

Ryan said nothing else, but eventually held out his hand, cuffs clinking against the bar of his bed.

 

Against his better judgement, Shane took the outstretched hand and held onto it tight.

 

“Stay with me until I fall asleep…” Ryan whispered, Shane barely heard him, but nodded nonetheless. “Will you bring me a book when you come back tomorrow?”

 

“Of course.”

 

It didn’t take long for Ryan to fall asleep after. Shane looked over him before he left, he’d looked more peaceful than Shane had ever seen.

 

Shane hoped he might come to sleep like that again someday, without the aid of morphine. Lord knows he needed to rest heavy, tired soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It can only get better from here, right? Right, guys?
> 
> Sorry for the delay in the update, stuff kept popping up and so I kept pushing it off. But it's here now so can I get a huhhhh yeaahhhh? Maybe not. This chapter is dark for sure. 
> 
> Thanks to InkStainsOnMyHands, who is kind enough to translate for me because I don't know shit my dudes. not a fuck. 
> 
> The next chapter will be out in a couple of weeks... I have a test and a paper I have to worry about right now so my fics are a little bit on the back burner for now. 
> 
> Leave a comment and let me know what you thought!


	7. Feel like a creep, less that you give, the more I want you

It was absolutely unreal how  _ wrong  _ things could go in the span of a few hours. And what was worse, Shane never saw it coming. The signs were everywhere, but he was blind. 

 

Shane walked into the hospital with a book clasped between his sweaty hands.

 

He flashed his identification to the officer watching the door, who nodded and let him in without word. Inside the room, Ryan was laying on the bed, facing away from Shane. He wondered how he could be asleep like that, the morning sun shined directly through the blinds and should have awoken him by now.

 

“Ryan…” Shane spoke softly, seeing if Ryan was awake or not, but when the sleeping form did not respond, he didn’t pay it any mind. He stepped closer so he could place the book next to Ryan for when he woke up, and quickly realized the person lying in the bed was not Ryan.

 

Shane took a step back, wondering momentarily if he was in the wrong room, but he couldn’t be. The officer recognised him, and let him in without a second thought.  _ Oh, shit... _

 

Arms snaked around Shane’s torso. “I wondered when you’d be back.” 

 

Ryan’s voice was soft and sweet like honey. The book fell from Shane’s hands and landed with a soft  _ thud _ on the linoleum floor. 

 

“H-how did you get out of the handcuffs?” Was the only question he could manage. Shane could feel his hands shaking. The arms around him dropped, and Ryan came around to face Shane. He was wearing an orderly’s scrubs and ID, the belongings of the person now lying in the bed. If anybody were just passing by, they wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference. 

 

Ryan looked up at Shane with an almost delighted look on his face. Shane remained rooted to the spot, too afraid to move. He flinched as Ryan brushed off the lapels of his blazer with his hands.

 

“I can’t tell you all my secrets...” Ryan looked at him like he was searching for something. His face grew dark, a scowl making its way to his lips. “Even though I know all of yours.”

 

Ryan’s hands shot up, closing around Shane’s neck. Shane tried to push him off, but Ryan pushed him against the wall, pressing his thumbs down harder against Shane’s larynx. Ryan held on with an iron grip, teeth clenched and an absolute fury burning in his eyes. 

 

“You think I don’t know what you did yesterday morning? You think I don’t know what you think about me _?! You think I don’t know how you really feel?!”  _ Ryan growled through his teeth. 

 

Shane gasped for air but it eluded him, his vision grew blurry and unfocused. He could feel the tug of unconsciousness trying to pull him under, like a riptide pulling him out to sea to drown him. He barely felt Ryan’s grip loosen and he fell to the floor. 

 

Shane nearly choked on himself trying to pull air back into his lungs, wheezing and inhaling loudly. He coughed and sputtered heavily trying to pick himself up. Ryan paid him absolutely no mind, pulling the fire extinguisher from the wall and standing against the wall, waiting. 

 

The door opened and the officer stormed in, demanding to know what the hell was going on. Ryan waited until he saw his opportunity and struck the officer, hard. It was enough to make him fall and become dazed. 

 

Shane watched as Ryan took ahold the officer by his head. The dull snap that followed as Ryan broke the officer’s neck echoed through the room and chilled Shane to the bone. He tried to back away but his head hit the wall. Shane watched, unnerved as Ryan dragged the officer out of view of the door. 

 

“Tell me, what makes you think you’re better than me, Shane?” Ryan spoke calmly, pulling the gun from the dead officer’s holster and inspecting it carefully.

 

“ _ What? _ ” Shane could barely manage to rasp out a response, his throat burned in the worst way as he tried to speak. 

 

“You think I’m this… helpless little thing that needs saving. I know you do. You stayed because you felt bad for me, you felt bad because all the others abandoned me.” Ryan speaks softly, inspecting the magazine before shoving it back inside the gun. He set it aside and continued to loot the corpse in front of him. “What makes you think you’re better, than me?”

 

“I don’t-” Shane stopped to cough, it felt like acid was burning his esophagus. “I don’t think I’m better than you.” His voice is hoarse, he could barely get any noise out at all. 

 

“You think you’re some kind of knight in shining armor… come to rescue my poor, tortured, schizophrenic soul.” Ryan got up from the body on the floor, satisfied with his findings. He tucked the gun in the back of his pants, making sure the loose shirt covers the vague outline. He slips the stolen handcuffs in his pocket. Shane tried to scoot away as Ryan approached him and straddled his waist, fingertips lazily tracing his reddened neck. “Your arrogance is unbelievably offensive… but God, if I don’t love you.” 

 

Ryan looked conflicted, like he wanted to love Shane but something was stopping him. Shane stiffens when Ryan leans in to kiss him, shaking under Ryan’s weight. He keeps Shane trapped against him, but his kiss is soft and loving, caressing Shane’s lips with his own. Shane stayed frozen underneath him until he pulled away, breathless. 

 

Just like that, Ryan’s mood changed nearly instantaneously, he scowled and slammed Shane’s head back against the ground. The impact left Shane stunned with a loud ringing in his ears. The world seemed to move faster than he could process. 

 

He could feel Ryan pulling him up and shouldering his weight. He could see his surroundings pass by in a blur. The hall was empty, there was no one to see a mad man kidnapping a barely conscious man. Ryan eventually sat him in a wheelchair; he petted his hair as he warned him not to try anything. 

 

“Don’t think I won’t hesitate to blow the brains out of your head. Stay still and act calm. We’re just going for a walk.” Ryan whispered. Shane felt his breath on his neck and ear, it made him shiver. He did as he was told. He felt zapped of his energy, and he felt frightened. Ryan was lethal, he’d more than proven himself to be that. Shane didn’t intend to be his next victim. He just had to wait until there was an opportune time to distract Ryan.

 

Ryan pushed him down the halls. Nobody questioned them, Ryan smiled sweetly at any passerbys, his passing appearance was convincing enough. Shane kept his eyes lowered to the ground.  _ What am I doing? Why am I listening to him? I need to get up and run.  _ But he didn’t, he just stayed rooted. The ringing in his ears persisted. 

 

Shane wasn't surprised when Ryan pushed him to the entrance of the parking garage. 

 

“Get up.” He hissed. The weight of the stolen firearm brushed his back, so Shane slowly rose. Pins and needles ran up and down his back as he dreadfully anticipated a bullet shattering his any of his vertebrae. Ryan nudged him forward, keeping a vice grip on his arm. “Do I need to remind you where you parked?” 

 

Of course he knew. Shane shouldn’t have been surprised, but he was. 

 

Shane walked slowly to his car, waiting for any opportunity where Ryan might become distracted so he could subdue him and bolt. Ryan spoke as thought he read Shane’s thoughts, word for word. 

 

“Stop thinking about running away. I just got you, I’m not letting you get away that easily.” Shane gulped. Tremors ran through his hands, he’d never been so shaky before in his life.

 

“Here,” Shane said, stopping in front of his car. Ryan reached inside Shane’s pocket and withdrew his keys, Shane shivered at the close proximity. 

 

“Turn around, baby.” Ryan whispered, shoving Shane forward. He tripped over his own feet, steadying himself against the car. He looked back at Ryan tearfully.  _ This is it. This is how I die.  _

 

“Please don’t do this. Don’t kill me, Ryan. Put the gun down and come back inside with me.” 

 

“Kill you?” Ryan laughed. “Turn around and get on your knees, Shane.” 

 

Shane did as he was told, slowly sinking to his knees. The rough concrete of the garage floor bit into his bone. Hot tears streamed down his cheeks. 

 

“Don’t do this.” 

 

He pleaded one last time before the back of the gun connected with his skull, knocking him out entirely. 

 

—

 

A sound like pure, unsaturated white noise woke Shane up. It buzzed uncomfortably loud in his head, interrupting any thoughts that he might have had. It brought with it the pain of a constant migraine.

 

He opened one eye and realized he was not home. The room he was in was unfamiliar, with wooden panels lining the wall instead the familiar beige drywall of his apartment. He quickly tried to get up and run, but he found himself caught on the bedpost, a set of cuffs keeping him connect to the foreign bed. 

 

“They hurt, don’t they?” Ryan spoke up behind him. Shane whipped his head around to see him, leaning against a dresser. He glared at Shane with a dark fire in his eyes. “The cuffs, they just bite right into your wrist.” 

 

“You have to let me go, Ryan. You can’t keep me here.” His voice was still raw, it hurt when he spoke. He tried to pull his wrists out of the cuff, but they were fastened too tight for him to slip through. 

 

“No.” Ryan pushed off the dresser and stalked towards Shane, backing him up against the wall parallel to the bed. Shane leaned away as Ryan caressed his neck, fingers lingering over the purple hand shaped bruises. “I don’t want to.” 

 

“You have to, Ryan. Every minute that passes makes everything worse. They may never let you walk outside a facility again.” Shane winced as Ryan pressed one of the marks with his thumb, his nerves protesting with dull pain. 

 

“They’ll have to catch us first.” Ryan continued to admire Shane, keeping him backed against the wall. His cuffed wrist was stuck, crossed against his body, it protested at the odd angle. Ryan looked him in the eyes, and a satisfied smile crept across his lips. “Can you hear him? He’s talking to you now.” 

 

“W-who?” Shane already knew the answer, he dreaded saying it out loud. 

 

“ _ Him. _ I know you can hear him. He’s loud, isn't he?” The noise in Shane’s head seemed to agree, buzzing intensely. The cacophony sound was nearly too much, Shane groaned at the feeling. It was like something was putting immense pressure on his brain. “Imagine hearing that, constantly, for twelve consecutive years.” Ryan growled. 

 

Tears pricked at the corners of Shane’s eyes. He couldn’t even begin to imagine the sheer amount of suffering and pain Ryan had endured over the years. He felt horrible, between the white noise drowning most of his thoughts and being trapped between a wall and Ryan with his hand cuffed to a bed, he was overwhelmed. “I’m sorry…” Was all he could manage. 

 

“Why are you sorry, Shane?” Ryan petted his hair lovingly, Shane was caught between leaning into the comforting ministrations and pulling away. 

 

“Because I refused to believe you…”  _ That's right,  _ the noise seemed to taunt.  _ And you insisted you knew what was best yet you know nothing. You’re insignificant, powerless, a speck of dust.  _ A small sob escaped him, hot tears streamed down his cheek. 

 

“What else?” Ryan whispered. Shane felt his warm breath on his neck, he shuddered as Ryan pressed a small kiss into a bruise.  _ He loves you, but you don’t deserve him. _

 

“I said I knew what was best. I thought I knew but I didn’t, I don’t know anything.” Shanes knees buckled he sank to the floor. Ryan stepped back and let him fall on his knees, crying. Shane almost felt Ryan glaring down at him. 

 

“What are you crying for?” Shane watched him shift his weight to one foot, using the unburdened one to tap periodically. He sounded irritated. Shane didn’t dare look up at him. 

 

“It’s overwhelming...” He whispered, trembling. The hardwood floor didn’t do his knees any favors, only giving him a dull ache as his knee caps rocked against the grain of the wood.  _ You’re absolutely pathetic, can’t handle a bit of noise? Man up, little boy.  _ The noise grew louder, sending waves of pain through his nerves with every syllable. “Please tell me how to make it stop.”

 

He looked up at Ryan, Ryan scowled back down at him with his arms crossed. “He’ll never go away. But I can show you how to make him quieter. Will you do anything to make that happen?”

 

“I don’t… understand what you mean… what are you asking me to—” Ryan knelt down and cut him off, he grasp his jaw and forced him to look him in the eye. 

 

“Say it.” He growled. “Say you’ll do anything.” 

 

Shane tried to look elsewhere but the magnetism of Ryan’s intense eyes pulled him back.  _ Say it. Say it, Shane. Tell him you’ll do anything. It’s not like you can do anything else. _

 

“I’ll… I’ll do anything. I’ll do anything.” He spoke no louder than a whisper. Ryan let his head fall in submission, he stood up and stepped back. 

 

“Get up.” 

 

Shane did as he was told, carefully standing up. Ryan approached him and unlocked the cuff keeping him fastened to the bed. Shane saw his opportunity to bolt and tried to get away, but Ryan was faster, shoving him up against the wall with his arm. The he felt the muzzle of the stolen gun nudge his jaw. 

 

“And where exactly are you going to go if you run?” Ryan spoke softly, his lips ghosting Shane’s. “Sure they might catch me, but we’ll both inevitably wind up back in that same damn building. And then you’ll know exactly what it’s like to live in a glass cage where everybody pities you and resents you for existing. You’ll know what it’s like to feel restless and lethargic everyday. He’ll eat away your brain until you’re nothing but negative thoughts and endless white noise, keeping you awake at night. They’ll medicate you to hell and back, but none of it will work and it just pushes you further and further to the edge. You’ll be alone and miserable with only the company of an hour with an ignorant doctor to look forward to. Is that what you want for yourself?” 

 

“No…” Shane whispers. The pressure of the gun on his neck fades. He feels Ryan secure the cuff around his other wrist. 

 

“Come with me, baby.” Ryan gently tugs him by the hand, pulling him out of the room and into the hallway like they’re a happy couple or lovers, not a hostage and his captor. Shane lets himself be lead, looking at the walls of the hall, also covered in wood panelling. The house had to have been built in the 70’s, Shane didn’t recognise the interior in the least bit. 

 

“Where are we?” Shane asked, hesitantly. Ryan didn’t answer, leading him through a sparsely furnished living room and to a closed door in between what Shane assumed was a kitchen and the livingroom. Ryan looked up at him and laughed to himself, almost childlike in a way. 

 

He opened the door, which reveal a set of stairs, cascading down into an a dark basement. “You first, love.” Ryan’s eyes glittered as he spoke. Shane looked at him, unnerved. Visions being shot or stabbed in the dark of the basement flashed through his mind, images of Ryan pushing him and watching him tumble. 

 

_ He’s not going to kill you, idiot.  _ The voice made its presence swell up once more, Shane winced at the feeling, a small groan escaping his throat. 

 

“Listen to him Shane. I would have killed you by now if I wanted to. I don’t waste time. You first.” Ryan said with a tone of finality in his voice. Shane glanced down the stairs nervously and began to descend, one shaky step at a time with his arms drawn close to him. He nearly stumbled when he reached the floor, Ryan was right behind him the whole time. 

 

Ryan flicked on the basement light, Shane hissed at the sudden illumination. In the center of the room sat a man, tied to a chair. His face was covered in welts and cuts, Ryan had certainly done a number on him. He was blindfolded and gagged, upon hearing their arrival he strained against his bindings, whimpering for help. 

 

“What have you done…?” Tears pricked at the corners of Shane’s eyes. 

 

“This is his house, Shane. No one will notice for a week or so that he’s missing, and even so it’ll take another two for someone to file a report.” Ryan clung to Shane’s arm, head resting against his shoulder. “I don’t think I need to tell you what he’s done.” 

 

_ Rapist. Rapist. Rapist. He raped an underage girl. Rapist.  _ The voice chanted in his head. Shane shook his head as tears streamed down his cheeks. “He can’t be…” He whispered. Surely he wasn’t.  _ But he is, but he is. The worst of the worst and the lowest of the low, the scum so foul nobody is willing to deal with it.  _

 

“Do you want him to quiet down?” Ryan looked up at Shane, hardly paying the whimpering man in front of them any attention. Shane finally understood what Ryan wanted him to do. His blood froze like ice in his veins. 

 

_ Kill him.  _

 

“I can’t… I can’t… I can’t commit murder…” Shane tried to back away, Ryan responded by tightening his grip on his arm almost painfully. He pushed Shane forward.

 

“You said you’d do anything, and I meant  _ anything. _ Kill him. That man doesn’t deserve to live anyway.” Ryan pulled a serrated knife from his pocket and pushed it into Shane’s hands, pushing him forward a little more. The blindfolded man jerked his head in Shane’s general direction, shaking his head and moaning in protest. 

 

Shane could see the way the saliva soaked gagged wrapped tightly around his reddened mouth. He could see tears running down his cheek, his forehead was covered in perspiration. His chest heaved in desperation. He looked pathetic, completely at Shane’s mercy. 

 

“If you won’t do it for him, then do it for me, Shane.” Ryan’s sultry voice floated from behind him. A shiver ran down Shane’s back. He glanced behind him at Ryan, Ryan just made a ‘go ahead’ motion. He looked like he was showing Shane how to do something, literally anything else other than committing a horrible atrocity against another human being. 

Still, something inside of him wanted this, he wasn’t sure between the voice shouting at him kill, kill, kill, or Ryan’s intense gaze and encouragement. The knife felt heavy in his fingers, he toyed with the blade in his hands. 

 

Carefully, he stepped around and behind the tied up man, white knuckling the knife in one hand, the other shaking slightly. Another tear slipped down his cheek as he lifted his cuffed wrists over the mans head to hold it in place. The man jerked his head away, Shane had to hold it down with one arm and maneuver the other so the point of the blade was facing the man's esophagus. It was a difficult position to be in, the cuffs didn’t allow for much movement. 

 

Slowly, very painstakingly, Shane forced the knife into the man’s throat. It didn’t give immediately, Shane found himself tugging it back and forth to open his throat a little more. The man made a gurgling noise, choking on his own blood. Shane cried as the man tried to fight it, mumbling apologies as the man eventually stilled, blood spilling down his shirt. 

 

Shane dropped the knife and it fell to the concrete floor with a clatter. He stared as his hands, the viscous foreign fluid coated his skin. It smelled like iron and copper. 

 

Just as Ryan promised, the buzzing lessened itself until it was nothing more than a dull whisper, his head didn’t pulse so bad. Shane could still hear it, praising him for killing. 

 

“That wasn’t so bad now, was it?” Ryan pulled him away from the dead man, Shane stumbled as he stepped, trying to process what he’d done. 

 

“It was horrible…” He finally said, he looked at Ryan and held out his hands. “Look at this! Look what I’ve done… look what you forced me to do!” He raised his voice, his hands shook in front of him. “Look what you forced me to do…” He whispered.

 

Ryan laced his fingers with Shane’s, the blood smearing on his hands as well, he didn’t seem to mind. His thumb brushed over Shane’s knuckle in a soothing motion. “Don’t think about it so much…” 

 

Shane closed his eyes, a few sobs escaping him. One of Ryan’s hands retreated, Shane watched through tear blurred eyes as Ryan unlocked each of his hands. He tossed the cuffs a short ways away, the clattering noise making them both flinch. 

 

He backed Shane against the wall and pulled his head down to kiss, undried blood streaking Shane’s cheek and jaw. Shane didn’t protest, letting Ryan do as he pleased. Ryan’s mouth was warm and inviting, but Shane remained conflicted. Ryan seemed to sense his hesitancy, pulling back just enough so their lips were barely brushing. “Let it go, baby… Don’t think about it so much.” 

 

Ryan kissed him again and Shane let him. He stopped putting up a fight. He didn’t protest, not when Ryan pulled away again, not as he led him back up the stairs promising discard the body later, and not when he was led back into the bedroom. 

 

He let Ryan tear the ruined clothes from his body, he let Ryan push him onto the waiting bed and crawl on top of him and pepper him with kisses and love bites. He let Ryan sank down on him, his name heavy on his lips. He gripped Ryan’s hips hard enough to bruise, thrusting until they were both spent and breathing heavy. After all, it is what he wanted.

 

Ryan fell into a restless sleep next to him, but Shane remained awake, staring at the ceiling in a state of silent distress.  _ What have I done? _ The days events played over and over in his head, the more he thought about it, the less he could wrap his head around it.  _ What have I done? _

 

_ You know what you’ve done.  _ The voice seemed to laugh it him and his ignorance.  _ You know what you’ve done and you know what you have to do.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think it's safe to say this fic has gone off the rails.... Do you ever have like an idea in your head but when you finally write it, its like.... not what you envisioned? that's how i'm feeling rn. i said i'd finish it though so that's what i'm gonna do. 
> 
> Next chapter will be up.... soonish... i don't know when honestly. whenever i write it.


	8. Show me no mercy; and let it rain, let it rain.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _If you’re gonna make it hurt show me no mercy._

Shane could hear Ryan, not the far from where he was laying down. He just wanted the pulsing to stop, the speaking to stop. Every scream and cry that came from the basement only pushed Shane closer to snapping. Once in a while he’d hear Ryan’s voice, though he couldn’t make out what he was saying.

 

He knew Ryan would be angry when he returned to the stolen bedroom, covered in blood and sweat. Shane didn’t know what was worse, the passive aggressive silence he’d adopt, or the sound of Ryan, angrily scrubbing the red from his hands and fingers. 

 

Shane didn’t understand why he had to make such a mess of things, killing people. The image of Ryan snapping the officer’s neck haunted him on a daily basis. He could kill efficiently, so why he didn’t was beyond Shane. 

 

The screaming stopped and then there was silence. The telltale heavy footsteps alerted Shane of Ryan’s approach, so Shane pulled the foreign covers up around himself and waited for Ryan’s angry presence to grace him. 

 

The door flew open and Ryan quickly made his way to the bathroom, Shane listened as the sink turned on, the faint sound of cloth scrubbing skin made its way to Shane’s ears. He stayed perfectly still, waiting. 

 

“I know you’re not asleep, Shane.” Ryan spoke over the sound of the sink. “Come here.” 

 

Shane carefully got up and timidly made his way to the bathroom, like a child about to be scolded. Watered down red droplets covered the countertop, but Ryan’s hands were mostly clean. He didn’t look or sound as angry as Shane thought he might be. 

 

“I just don’t… understand why you won’t help me.” Shane wiped his palms on his jeans, they stayed sweaty anyway. 

 

“It’s hard for me-”

 

“It’s hard for you, yeah, I know. It’ll make it… easier for you to do what you need to do.” Ryan cuts him off, toweling his newly pristine hands. He reaches up caresses Shane’s cheek gently, brushing away a stray tear. “He’s only going to get louder. Just do what he wants you to do.” 

 

“I don’t want to kill anybody.” Shane mumbles. The hum in his skull seemed to chortle. 

 

**_“You’re afraid you’re going to like it. Stubborn to the core, it’ll be your undoing.”_ **

 

“Baby…” Ryan’s voice was soft and sickly sweet. “You already did kill somebody. Just listen to what he tells you to do, it’s not hard. It gets so much easier after you take that first step.” 

 

Shane nodded and sniffed loudly, eyes glassy with unshed tears. “I just have to do it.” 

 

Ryan smiled and nodded, though the smile was plastic, the discontent still showed through the dullness of his eyes. He pulled Shane close to him, Shane reluctantly put his arms around him. It still felt wrong to Shane and yet he wanted it, the closeness. Or maybe he just wanted a companion to help him, he didn’t really know anymore. 

 

Shane felt like his life was turning into a blur. He didn’t know where he was or what was going on. He just followed Ryan around, wherever he led him like a dog after his master. It was hard to concentrate on anything, voice in his head was so loud. And only got louder and louder as the days dragged on. 

 

It knew exactly which raw nerves to strike, every time Shane refused to listen it would rain down insults and abuse in the worst way. 

 

**_“This is why Sara left you.”_ **

 

It said to him one day, when he refused to leave the building they’d taken refuge in. Shane was instantly reduced to tears, falling to the dirty floor. Ryan ran to him, pulling him into his arms, but he only said one thing. 

 

“I know.” 

 

Shane was reaching the point where he just couldn’t take it anymore, it all became too much. He finally snapped, storming out of the building, leaving Ryan to his own devices. He walked, not straying to far from Ryan’s location. He kept his face hidden his hood, though he was sure nobody would recognise him. His beard had grown, unkempt and unshaped. 

 

A man exiting a building passed in front Shane, he followed him with his eyes, images of what he’d just done playing like a film reel inside his mind. It infuriated Shane. How dare he, how dare he cheat, while his wife was away. How dare he even think about it, much less go through with it. Anger burned through every one of his nerves, his hand clutched at his side in a fist.

 

**_“Follow him.”_ **

 

And so he did, being careful not follow to close, making sure he seemed less than interested in his stalking. The man in front of Shane had no idea he was being followed. He strolled along leisurely, entirely unaware. 

 

He continued his slow chase, well into a neighborhood that had mostly settled down to sleep. The man in front of him whistled leisurely, jingling his keys in his hand. 

 

**“Don’t follow him to the door. Round the block and go in through his backdoor. It’s unlocked.”**

 

Shane obeyed the voices instruction, but his hands shook at his sides. He feared people were watching from all angles, he knew he looked shady. The handle of the knife hidden within an inside pocket bumped his waist with every step he took. 

 

Shane did as the voice instructed him to do, easily hopping over the short chain link fence. The ground was full of dirt patches and dead grass, completely uncared for, but what else was new in the heat of the desert. 

 

He approached the back door, trying it with his fingertips. The worn metal knob gave easily and turned, Shane opened it slowly, listening for bells or alarms. 

 

**“Type 5399 into the keypad and hit disable.”**

 

Shane looked the alarm on his right, punching in the numbers with a shaky index finger. He used the end of his coat to cover up his fingertip, but in the end wondered if would it be any good since his fingerprints would be all over his bloody victim. The alarm chirped once to signal it was disabled and Shane let out a shaky sigh.

 

Shane turned back to the rest of the house. It was bare mostly, a few movie posters decorated the walls. The furniture didn’t quite match, but it was apparent they’d tried. The house smelled lived in, of cleaners and upholstery, and something unnamable. 

 

Shane found the man in his bathroom, the shower was on so he didn’t hear Shane approaching, didn’t even notice him until Shane was standing directly behind him. He didn’t give him time to react, forcing his head into the bathroom mirror. A sickening crack followed as the mirror shattered under the force of the collision. 

 

The man groaned and slumped, Shane dragged him from the bathroom and harshly threw him on the bed. A scarf sitting on the dresser caught Shane’s eye, he used itto tie the man’s wrists together. 

 

“What do you want from me?” The man whimpered in the most unsavory of fashions. “I don’t have a lot of valuables, but there’s money in a safe in the closet.”  _ What a coward. _

 

“I don’t want your money.” His voice shook as spoke, not from fear but from anger. “You’re… unfaithful to your wife… and-and-”

 

**_“He doesn’t deserve to live.”_ **

 

“You don’t deserve to live.”

 

The rest was blur, though he vaguely remembered the man’s garbled sounds and pleas to let him live. When he came out of the fog he was walking back to the abandoned lot. He looked down at himself, his coat was fine but his shirt was completely ruined. Quietly, he zipped it up, and made his way back to Ryan.

 

Ryan looked so pleased, extatic even. He placed kiss after kiss on Shane, running his fingers through his hair. Shane’s heart beat a little faster that night. He growled as he pushed Ryan against the wall. They didn’t care about their surroundings as Shane fucked him against the wall, Ryan’s fingers digging into his skin as Shane covered his neck in purple blooms. 

 

Life was fine from there, violent ups and downs, mad rough sex, dodging about in public and jumping from place to place like the fugitives they were. 

 

The moment Shane got cocky was the moment things started to go downhill. He’d been tailing a serial adulterer for while, he became so engrossed in his self motivated task, he didn’t realize he himself was being followed. 

 

He’d made a habit of waiting until the last minute and then springing on his victim, bashing their head against whatever hard surface was available, tonight happened to be the brick wall lining the alley. 

 

They begged and pleaded for Shane to have mercy, Shane simply kicked them in the gut. 

 

“I ought to cut your tongue out for the excuses I know you’ll make.” Shane growled, forcing them up against the wall by their throat. “In fact, I think I will. A liar and cheat doesn’t deserve to make excuses.”

 

“Shane, don’t!” 

 

The blood froze in his veins. The voice is unmistakably recognisable, tiny, and frightened. 

 

**_“Kill her.”_ **

 

Dramatics forgotten, Shane quickly slit the throat of the writhing man in his grip and turned to face Sara. 

 

Her face visibly paled. She took a step back and turned to flee, tripping over her own feet. Shane quickly caught up to her, grabbing her and pulling her back into the shadows with a hand clamped over her mouth. 

 

Her brown curls bounced wildly as she fought Shane’s grip, brown eyes wide and teary.

 

“Surely you knew this was coming...” Shane whispered quietly to her. Weeks ago he would have felt the urge to kiss her lips one last time, now he just wanted her pulse to stop. “At least I can say with confidence that I don’t love you anymore.” 

 

She whimpered and sobbed under Shane’s grip, her nails dig into his wrist, it did little to deter the hand hand wrapped around her throat.

 

**_“There are people approaching.”_ **

 

The voice warned him, the buzzing his skull causing him to audibly groan. He looked back at her, knife in one hand, ready. But still his hand did not move, like he was frozen in Sara’s pleading stare. 

 

**“Do it now!”**

 

Memories of their relationship raced through through his head. Shane shook his head.  _ I can’t do this… I can’t do this…  _

 

In one motion, he threw her to the ground and took off, running as fast as he could. Her haunting brown eyes continued to burn a hole in his mind's eye. 

 

**_“Coward. Spineless coward. You don’t even know what you’ve done.”_ **

 

Ryan was waiting for him when he stumbled back into their hiding spot. 

 

“What the fuck did you do?!” He sounded furious, eyes once again ablaze with the fury Shane had come to know. 

 

Shane fell at his feet, hot tears falling down his cheeks. 

 

“I couldn’t do it… I couldn’t kill her! I had her right there in my grip and I couldn’t pick up the knife and strike… I couldn’t do that to her, I just couldn’t!” His voice was hoarse from all the running he did, his chest shook with each sob that left his mouth. “I’m so sorry, Ryan, but I couldn’t do it.”

 

**_“Failures, the both of you. You were bound to break.”_ **

 

Ryan got on his knees with Shane, taking his head in both of his hands. “Look at me.” Shane opened his teary eyes to look up at Ryan. He looked sad, a little angry, disappointed even. “I won’t go back to that facility. If they catch us, we will never see each other again. We have to leave, now. So pull yourself together.”

 

Shane nodded and stood up with Ryan, following him out of the abandoned building. A large bird flew past them, causing both of them to jump. Ryan cursed and stormed along, Shane followed timidly, looking back to see the large eyes of a barn owl glowing back at him. 

 

The voice grew eerily quieter as they walked. Shane’s palms sweating uncontrollably. He looked left and right, paranoid they might be seen, but anybody they passed paid them no mind. Shane felt like an exposed nerve, the vibe radiating from Ryan was not much better.

 

Alone, at the foot of the bridge, Shane finally spoke up, the voices presence nearly gone. “Can you hear him?”

 

Ryan didn’t speak right away, but eventually turned to look at Shane. The same fear he’d seen once before was now plastered on his face. The fear of the unknown, the fear of something he couldn’t control. “I can’t hear him… He’s never disappeared like that.” 

 

Shane would have thought the disappearance of the voice  _ should _ have brought peace and comfort from the constant torment, but dread flooded their systems as they continued to walk. Ryan interlocked his fingers with Shane’s and held on tight.

 

They continue to walk, Ryan clearly had no idea where to go or what to do without the voices guidance. Shane remembered all the false bravado when they first met, how easy it was to hide behind it. 

 

The moment they saw the flashing lights from the corners of their eyes, Ryan’s tears finally broke. He cried out as officers began to approach.

 

“I won’t go back... I won’t, I can’t…” He sobbed, huddling in Shane’s visage for temporary comfort. 

 

“Then you won't.” Shane pulled the gun from Ryan’s coat pocket before Ryan could react, pulling him into his arms with the gun aimed at his head. Ryan yelped as the gun metal nudged his forhead. Even as he held Ryan, his hands shook.

 

“What are you doing?!” Ryan hissed. His voice cracked as he spoke, the tears still streaming down his cheeks. His eyes darted this way and that, frantically searching for an escape. 

 

Officers approached them with their weapons drawn, Shane backed up until he hit the railing along the bridge, the dull metal thud seemed to seal the reality of what was happening. 

 

“Put the weapon down!” One officer commanded. Shane shot a glare in his direction. 

 

_ There’s no way out of this. _

 

An idea then lodged it’s way into his mind, and with the fear and adrenaline coursing through his veins, it didn’t seem like such a bad thought. It was comforting almost, softening his rattled nerves, calming him despite their situation.

 

“Ryan, do you love me?” He asked. 

 

“W-what?” Ryan stuttered. An officer told him once more to drop the gun and get on the ground with both hands on his head. Shane took a step to the side, Ryan whimpered as he was jostled along. 

 

“Do you love me, Ryan?” Shane asked again, his eyes still on the officers in front of them. They warned him once more, threatening to open fire. 

 

“I-I love you, Shane… I don’t understand what you’re doing, and I’m scared.” 

 

“Don’t be afraid, Ry…” Shane pulled Ryan’s head flush with his, lining the gun with his head and Ryan’s exactly. The metal was cold to the touch, chilling him. He exhaled a deep breath, the sound drowning out everything else. 

 

He could feel Ryan’s pulse against his. Ryan seemed to understand and relaxed in Shane’s hold, letting out a shaky sigh. 

 

“I love you, too. I’m sorry I failed you.”

 

“You didn’t fail me.”

 

Shane pulled the trigger, the sound of gunfire was deafening. 

 

And finally, there was silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are. 
> 
> Thank you so much to everybody who read this all the way through, everybody who commented on the chapters, everyone who left kudos, I'm still blown away. 
> 
> Thank you to Inkstainsonmyhands for helping me with the Spanish and for looking over the last chapter for me, thank you to Mercury-Skies for helping with the psychology aspects of this fic, I would be very lost without them. 
> 
> One story ends and another begins, I am working on a new multichapter (two actually, one closer to tangibility than the other), and I have several oneshots in the works. You can follow me on tumblr (fuckcitybitch) for Shyan fic updates and for art because I also draw. 
> 
> Thank you all again for reading. It's been a ride.


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